Title: Anything for You Author: wordpolitic (wordpolitic@yahoo.com) Rating: PG-13 Category: Angst Spoilers: Through middle of S6 Summary: Josh goes to see Donna after she quits. A/N: Thanks to Meg and Amara for their help. I've thought about making this a series of one shot's, so there may be more. Proper formatting here: http://wordpolitic.livejournal.com/802.html Disclaimer: Sorkin is a god and I am not him. Nor am I Wells, but he's not so much a god. No archiving without asking. Josh slumped into his chair and sighed. Donna's voice kept playing in his head, two clipped, hurried words, "I quit." He briefly wondered why she was impervious to him, yet he didn't have the same power over her. But he knew why, and he assumed everyone knew - even her. It didn't matter that he was her boss - was being the important word. She had the power in their relationship. She controlled his schedules, juggled numerous research projects, prepared him for meetings ... and that was just professionally. He knew they had drifted apart since Germany, since before that really, but he'd never imagined her leaving him, and certainly not the way she had - in the middle of the bullpen, her anger threatening to spill over both of them. She wasn't just quitting her job, they both knew that; she was quitting him. Josh knew he wasn't the easiest man to get along with, and he also knew he'd been trying to avoid the inevitable conversation where, after all was said and done, Donna would leave him. He snorted. Fat lot of good that had done him. And not all of it was avoidance... he'd had a few things on his plate lately; getting bumped off the China trip, the asteroid that had - in NASA's estimation - come close to hitting Earth, the President having an MS attack. Resting his head in his hands, he soaked in the darkness surrounding him, both physical and emotional. Ever since Joanie died, one of the coping strategies (if you could call it that) he loved was sitting in a pitch-black room and closing his eyes. Donna would say he was brooding, and maybe he was, but it worked for him. Donna. People thought they were blind to how they felt about each other, but that wasn't the case. They used to tell each other in little ways all the time. A few times, it was as if they had shouted through a bullhorn, rather than the whispers that passed through their daily conversations. Roslyn. Cliff and the diary. Gaza. Josh's Adam's apple snapped as he swallowed the lump in his throat. He still had trouble with Gaza, both because it was Donna who had almost ... and because the hospital had brought up memories he wasn't too fond of. He had learned to deal with his reactions a long time ago, but those reactions combined with another traumatic event for someone he loved proved to be too much. In the end, he had done the only thing he could: pushed his own feelings aside and focused on her. "This is ridiculous," Josh said to no one, scrubbing his hand over his face. Leaning back in his chair, he thought about all the events that had led to this. He knew he didn't always treat Donna right, but he did his best to make it up to her. Lately, though, she was mad at him no matter what he did. If he tried to banter or joke with her, she'd snap at him. Staying out of her way didn't work either; then she'd pout and make a comment about how she wasn't appreciated. He knew she was having trouble with Gaza, but he knew she was at least seeing someone. Well, he clarified, I know she's making appointments to see someone. They needed to have it out once and for all. His relationship with Donna had been regressing lately, one step back from the stagnant pace of Bartlet's first term. He was as notorious as Donna as far as not talking about what they had, or didn't have now, but he couldn't live like this. He was leaving for Houston the next morning and he wanted - no, needed - to know where they stood. Josh slowly stood up; his back had been bothering him, and he slowly stretched before draping his overcoat over his arm. Ambling to the bathroom, he downed two Ibuprofen, made sure he didn't look too bad, and made his way to his car. It was a twenty minute ride to Donna's apartment. He had decided, when he was a couple of blocks away, to drive around a bit and go over what he wanted to say. It was a combination of anger and hurt that had propelled him here, and while she needed to see his emotion, he didn't want her retreating from him more than she already had in the last few months. What he didn't want to do was get so angry that he couldn't articulate at all, and planning it, thinking about what reaction she may have, helped him make sure that didn't happen. He pulled into a spot on the street and sat in his car for a moment; just breathing, in and out, trying to calm his fraying nerves. He flipped his door open and slowly made his way to the front steps of the apartment building. Pressing the button for her apartment, he waited, his body fidgeting with tension. "What do you want, Josh," her voice issued flatly from the intercom. Josh had an idea; one that would set them on mutual ground. "I want to talk, Donna. Come... sit on the steps with me." He spoke as gently and evenly as he could, hoping to not only convince her to talk to him, but to give up the edge she would have if they talked in her apartment. "Please," he said, a pleading edge to his voice. Donna sighed. Josh didn't say please often, and rarely like he just had. She was trying to get away from him, but he wasn't making it easy for her. Though, she thought, the least she could do before kicking him out of her life completely was to let him say what he came here to say. She was sure he'd want an explanation, but she didn't really have one to offer. She was angry with him, angry with herself, angry with CJ... The list went on and on, and what it came down to was that she was just angry. "I'll be right down," she sighed. She didn't want this; didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes. She grabbed a couple beers from the refrigerator and slowly walked down to the front steps. She wasn't especially looking forward to this. Josh was sitting on the middle step, leaning back on his elbows, one leg on the step below and one on the sidewalk. His eyes were closed and his head back; he only heard the door open and Donna sit on the step. He opened his eyes and noticed she was as far from him as possible. He couldn't hide the hurt that flashed before his eyes, the confusion of how they had become these people. Donna handed Josh a beer, then opened her own, not without noticing he wouldn't meet her eyes. She drank half the beer before setting it down next to her; Josh hadn't touched his. "I'm here..." Josh looked at her, meeting her gaze this time. "Are you," he asked gently. Donna's lips pursed. "You can see me, can't you," she asked tightly. Josh studied her for a moment, which only made Donna more uncomfortable. She saw that he was making a decision, warring against himself. His eyes changed when he decided, a more intense stare than before, and she knew she wouldn't be getting out of this easily. Josh sat forward and rested his head in his palms. "What are we doing," he asked quietly. So quiet that she doubted it was for her ears. But having heard it, she raised her defenses even more. "I don't know, Josh. You tell me," she answered, voice rising to a near shout by the end. Josh looked up at her and she saw it all; confusion, hurt, anger. He was open to her, completely, and along with everything else she saw the love she'd always dreamed of staring back at her. Her first instinct was that he was too late, but she knew herself - knew them - well enough to know that she couldn't claim that, not so simply. "I'm going to Houston tomorrow. But... I don't want to go without knowing... where we are," Josh said, pointing between the two of them. "Houston?" Josh nodded. "There's a job for me there. Hopefully." Donna's head snapped up. She had been far away, thinking about things she had never let herself dream about before this moment. "You left the White House," she said incredulously. Josh nodded, not volunteering anything more on the subject. It would have sounded desperate, saying he left because she wasn't there to snark him and banter with him. Donna frowned. It used to be Josh told her everything... but then, she guessed she hadn't been being so forthcoming, either. That also made her angry - just another thing to add to the growing list. She studied him; his gaze was fixed on something in the distance, but his eyes were worlds away. She desperately wanted him back, in every sense of the word. But she couldn't backslide, couldn't fall back on a guy and ignore her life. "Josh?" Josh's eyes drifted back to hers, noticing she at least softened a bit. "I can't do this again. I can't... put a man's life ahead of mine. I've done that twice, I need to focus on myself for a change." Her words were a kick in the gut. He felt the breath leave him, replaced with shock and hurt. But with that was an overwhelming anger, a justified, wounded one he didn't want to hide. "You're comparing me to him?" Josh spat. Donna didn't say anything, just looked at him with pleading eyes. "I never asked you to support me, I never asked you to drop out of school, I don't recall stopping for a beer on the way to Landstuhl... If it was so bad, you should've quit a long time ago." Josh stood up and began to walk away, never looking back. He couldn't believe it; she was comparing him to Freeride. Donna panicked. As much as she'd wished Josh could be out of her life, the thought that he was leaving her, probably forever after what she'd said, and while believing she thought him no better than her ex... it sent a chill down her spine. She stood up and reached out, grabbing his wrist. "Josh," she whispered when he didn't turn around. Josh closed his eyes. The anger was gone. Only hurt, a bone-deep hurt, replaced it. After a moment, he turned around, but he still wouldn't - couldn't - meet Donna's eyes. "Please, Josh, I need you to understand," Donna pleaded. Just like that, the anger was back. He met her eyes now; Donna took a step back and let go of his wrist. She had never seen him so furious. "Understand what?" he asked sharply. "That you think I'm as bad as Freeride? Or that you resent me for some unfathomable sin I committed?" Donna reached out for his hand again; she needed a connection with him, despite everything she had believed about kicking him out of her life. She couldn't believe she had thought that would be good for her. He was good for her. "I didn't - " "No, Donna. You didn't do anything. You're the victim in all this. Poor Donna fell for it again." He laughed humorlessly. "We both were wrong, we both screwed up. I just thought whatever we had was strong enough to last." He began pacing in front of her, just a few steps, back and forth. "I thought Germany proved to you that I wasn't going anywhere. That I would do anything for you..." He stopped and looked at her, his expression softening. "Anything, Donna." Tears sprang to Donna's eyes. She was so confused, so torn. Part of her wanted to fall into his arms and never let go, but the other part still wanted to leave him out here, go back to her apartment, and forget Josh Lyman had ever been in her life. She did neither; she knew he could see the emotions whirling behind her eyes, but she didn't care. At least she was feeling something besides anger. "You're nothing like him, Josh," Donna said softly, a rough edge of tears in her voice. She reached out and put her hand on his cheek, startling him. She dropped her hand, but he caught it and laced his fingers with hers. Looking down at their clasped hands, she felt another wall crumbling. Josh put a finger under her chin and guided her head up to his. "What are you doing, Donna? You're pushing everyone away... me in particular. Why?" "I need to. I can't leave you if you're still here." Josh's lip quirked - Donna logic. "That made absolutely no sense." There was a ghost of a smile on her lips, he noticed as he began again. "I won't be here, I'll be running around the country just like you. I don't care about that, I don't. But I can't take you leaving me, Donna, not again." Donna closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, he could see a glimmer of the love he felt reflected back. Donna started to talk, probably to make another argument about her need to go out on her own. He understood that, was even starting to accept it, but he wouldn't accept her leaving him. He stepped closer to her, their bodies inches away from each other. Their eyes locked for a beat, and he could still see the confusion staring back at him. Closing his eyes, he placed a lingering kiss on her forehead. "I love you," he said, his lips and breath tickling her forehead. He took a step back and squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry." It wasn't much, but it was all she had. She loved him, but if she said it, she couldn't do this, couldn't make her own way. "I'll be waiting," Josh said as he turned and walked away. Donna wiped the tears from her cheeks and allowed herself to watch him leave. Only after she saw his car drive away did she go back to her apartment, taking the two unfinished beers with her. She took a sip of his beer, hoping it would sustain her until the next time she saw him.