The Long Hot Summer

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Summary: Takes place after the shooting.

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Disclaimers: Not mine. Although I'm starting to believe that I've
written more fics than he's written episodes. Doesn't that make them
more mine? 9/10ths and all that?

Feeback: My reason for living... no not really but it's nice.

Notes: I'm going retro. Back to the summer of the shooting because I
never really wrote about that other than through references. Hope
this isn't too played out for everyone.

***Warning!!! Please follow the rating system.***

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Chapter 1

I have had the question asked often, what do you remember about that
night? My answer is usually not much. Or that only I remember
snippets. The truth is I don't want to talk about it and I think most
people are jackasses for asking me.

Now I remember everything. Vividly. It comes back to me in dreams and
panic attacks and I remember every minute detail. I remember the feel
of the concrete under my ass and the sound of a woman crying off to
my right. I remember hearing more popping sounds and wondering if I
was going to get hit again because I knew that I had already been hit
once.

But I didn't remember that right away. That took time. So when I
think about what I remembered first after waking up after surgery, I
always come back to the same thing: Donna's face. I remember because
there was a bruise on her cheek and it bothered me.

*****

"His eyes are open. I can see his eyes."

"That's it Mr. Lyman. You're doing fine. We need you to wake up for
us."

I wanted to say I'm up, I'm up, like I used to when I was kid and my
mother was pestering me. Or like I did when Donna called in the
morning insisting that I get out of bed. The truth is every time I
say I'm up. I'm not really up. I just want my mom or Donna to leave
me alone so I can go back to sleep. It's very tricky of me.

This time however I couldn't say anything. It hurt too much.

"Well you're pupils look good. I need you to indicate that you can
hear me, Mr. Lyman. You can whisper or a blink of your eyes will do."

I blinked. It seemed easier. I could hear then a soft muffled sound
coming from behind the doctor. I tried to move my head to see around
him but he was still shining the pen light in my eyes.

I thought I saw blond hair.

"You can go back to sleep now, Mr. Lyman."

I wanted to tell him to stop calling me that. I felt like my father
when he called me that and I wasn't ready to be that old.

"Josh. I'm sure he would prefer it if you called him Josh."

This from the person standing behind the doctor. I knew that voice. I
loved that voice. It was a good voice. But my mind was drifting away
and I couldn't quite place it... Then I saw movement and then she was
leaning over me. Her hair touched my cheek.

Donna. I thought it but I couldn't say it. She was probably worried
about me. I wanted to tell her that I was fine and ask if she'd
gotten my chair fixed yet. But again I couldn't quite seem to get out
the words. Words were my business so I was going to have to work on
rectifying that the next time I woke up.

She was smiling at me, but it didn't look right. There was something
tense about her lips and she wasn't showing any teeth. Then I saw the
bruise. It was black and blue and yellow high up on her right cheek.
Almost as if someone hit her.

I was going to have to do something about that, I thought. No one
should hit Donna.

***

I had no idea how much time had passed. I just remember opening my
eyes again. There was a light on in the room but it wasn't bright. I
remembered hearing something beep consistently and steadily behind
me. I don't know why, but I thought that was a good thing.

"Ten ways to love a man." It was the voice again. The voice I
liked. "You know this kills me. These magazines are written for
women, marketed to women, have perfume samples for women, and yet all
the articles are about how to make men feel better."

"Dohhanna." Hey check that out. I could actually speak. I wondered if
she heard me.

"Josh! Josh! I'm here. I'm right here."

She was leaning over me, and this time I could both feel her hair
brushing my cheek and smell the shampoo that she used. It smelled
nice.

I saw her face again and the bruise was still there. "Dohhh," I
whispered but the sound cut out on me.

"Don't try to talk. You're fine. You're mom's here. Everything is
fine."

Why was my mom here? I wondered. She shouldn't be here. She should be
in Connecticut. It was too hot in DC for her. She hated the heat.

Then something else occurred to me. I couldn't quite put my finger on
it. I felt as if there was a piece of information I wanted to know,
but I didn't know what it was. I felt dread in my stomach like
something bad was about to happen. Or had it already happened?

"Presshidhent," I said. I wasn't sure why.

"Yes. He's fine. Josh he's fine. He was hit, but it was minor. He's
come in several times to see you. They're releasing him to tomorrow."

Hit with what?

Too much, I decided. I could feel the blackness coming back. It hurt
to keep my eyes open.

"It's okay. Sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

That's nice. Maybe I could smell her hair again.

****

The next time I woke I had all kinds of energy. I remembered thinking
I was late for something. Probably a meeting. Donna should have
called me, she knows I have a tendency to oversleep.

"Hey. You're up."

"Lhate."

She was smiling at me and I thought it was pretty cheeky of her to be
smiling at me when she let me oversleep.

"You're not late for anything Josh. You do realize you're in the
hospital?"

"Whhy?"

And did it have something to do with why I couldn't seem to speak?

Her face got sad for a minute and the bruise sort of stood out even
more against her pale skin. Hey maybe we were in an accident
together. That would explain a lot. Although she seemed to be doing a
hell of a lot better than me. She came out with a bruise on her cheek
and me... I suddenly realized that my chest hurt. Like some large fat
man was sitting on it.

I felt her reach out and touch my hair, pushing it away from my
face. "Josh," she whispered to me and I could see tears in her eyes.
Why was she crying?

"Josh, you don't remember. But two nights ago there was a shooting at
Rosslyn. You were hit by a bullet."

Shit! I was? A bullet. And I'm not dead. Holy hell. I could hear the
steady beep behind me pick up the pace.

"Shhh, shhh," she crooned to me still stroking my head. "It's okay.
You're going to be fine. The doctors operated and now you're
recovering. You're going to be fine."

Easy for her to say. She wasn't the one who was shot. I tried to
remember Rossyln. The President was doing a Q&A thing. I remember
that. And there was a signal for Toby's brother. Was Donna there? Is
that why she had a bruise on her cheek?

I tried to lift my hand so I could touch her face but it was hooked
to some tube. She took it in her own hand and squeezed it. It felt
good.

Then all that energy I woke up with seemed to drain away. I was tired
again, but there still things I wanted to know. Who shot me? Was
anyone else hurt? Why did Donna have a bruise on her cheek? But I was
tired. And my eyes were closing. I wanted to sleep, but all of the
sudden I was afraid. I don't know why but I was afraid that if I went
to sleep someone might try to shoot me again.

"Stayhhh," I said. Because I was afraid and I didn't want to sleep
alone.

"Always."

****

"You look good," Sam announced.

"You're a liar," I told him. Donna had brought me a mirror at my
instance and I can honestly say I looked slightly better than a dead
man. I guess since I wasn't in fact a dead man and for a while it had
been a close call there should be some consolation in that.

At least I could form sentences. That was a plus. But all the fussing
about was starting to get on my nerves. My mother, god bless her,
came everyday and promptly broke down into tears until Donna had to
escort her out. CJ came to visit once wearing a huge fake smile on
her face. I'd never seen so many of her teeth before. Toby came once
too and just rocked back and forth on his heels before mumbling
something about a meeting. There were more nurses than I was sure I
needed poking and prodding me at all hours of the day and night. And
some doctor came once a day just to lift off my bandages and
say, "Hmmm."

I'm not so sure how I was supposed to feel about, `Hmmm." At least
they took the tubes out of my chest. That was alarming, watching what
you believed were vital fluids that needed to be inside your body
being sucked out of your body through a tube.

And I had been moved into a private room. They told me I was in the
ICU before. Which stands for intensive care unit. Now I just needed
normal care I suppose. I'm not too sure why that was because I still
hurt like a sonofabitch and I could barely sit up straight. To me
that was intense.

I also could only stay awake for an hour maybe two at a time. Sam
caught me at a good time,right in the middle of my sleep cycle. Donna
had decided to use his visit to take a break, a much-needed one, as I
couldn't remember a time when I had been awake when she hadn't been
with me.

I shouldn't be wondering where she went. More than likely she'd just
gone to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. Still I wondered. I
realized it sort of smacked of obsessiveness, but I couldn't help it.
I always felt a little antsy when she wasn't around.

"How do you feel?"

"Well, they took the tubes out. I'm no longer leaking. I suppose
that's a good sign."

Sam smiled. He looked exhausted but I had no sympathy since I knew I
looked worse.

"How's the office?"

"Frantic. Chaotic. Every body is about ready to drop, but the press
is starting to settle down. The phones... God, the phones just won't
stop. And you're getting a lot of mail."

"My fans." I tried to smile but the talking was causing my chest to
tighten up. I was running out of words and there something else I
wanted to know.

"Sam, Donna wasn't there." I knew that. I could remember the day
leading up to us all going to Rosslyn. And I definitely remember
sending her home. I think I told her to go get my chair back.

"No, she wasn't there."

"Then where did she get... the bruise?"

I asked her and she told me she and Mrs. Landingham had blows over
whose boss was the toughest. Donna said she won. And that I should
see the damage she did to Mrs. Landingham's face. I didn't believe
her.

Sam bowed his head. I could see he was debating telling me, but what
was the big deal. I just wanted to know if someone hit her. And if
someone did then who? I had visions of some local gomer knocking her
around, but I didn't want to believe that. I didn't want to believe
that Donna would let someone do that to her.

"She fell," Sam finally told me. "We were waiting in the waiting room
for the doctor to tell us how you were, you know, after they took you
off the bypass machine. He said you were going to be okay and ... Donna
fainted. She hit her face on a chair when she fell. But she's fine.
No broken bones."

"She fainted?" Wow. I used to joke about women fainting over me, but
I was never serious. Well, not really serious.

"Yeah. She'd been up all night. I think it just sort of caught up
with her."

"Yeah."

It was starting again. I'd been sitting up now for almost two hours
and the pressure was starting to overwhelm me. Damn, I hated this. I
felt as if I had absolutely no control over my body. Like it was some
separate entity that was doing what it needed to do to get better but
without consulting me. I didn't like not being consulted. I liked to
have input.

"You're tired."

"Always," I said. "Sucks," I said and realized I was back to one word
sentences. I was getting ready to fall asleep on Sam and I could feel
the fear creeping up on me. "Donna."

"She'll be back in minute."

Shit. In a minute I might be asleep. If she wasn't here before I
slept, how could I be sure she would be here while I was sleeping?
She needed to be here.

"You should get some rest. I'm going to take off, but I'll be back
tomorrow."

Fine. Go. I didn't need him anyway. I didn't want him. I wanted...

"I'm back."

My relief was palatable. It felt so good it almost blocked out the
pain. For a second anyway. "Where've you been?" Did I sound worried?
I didn't want to sound worried. Not in front of Sam.

"The Mess. Or I guess they call it the cafeteria here. I like the
Mess better. More selection; flavored coffees. This place is a little
limited. For example they have muffins, but nothing fat free. And no
fat free salad dressings. Don't you think that's odd? I mean a
hospital catering to America's growing rate of obesity."

I stopped listening as soon as she said Mess. I didn't care about
muffins or fat people. I just cared that she was back.

"It's okay, Josh. You can sleep now. I'm here."

That's what I wanted to hear. She hit a button and the bed tilted
back. Oh yeah that felt good. I could breath and the pressure wasn't
nearly as intense.

"Better," I murmured.

"I know."

I think she did know. I think she knew that I needed her here with me
before I could sleep. I wasn't too sure how I felt about that. I
didn't want her to think I was some kind of fairy boy. A scaredy cat.
A momma's boy. I wasn't any of those things.

I was just a guy who got shot. And I slept better if she was here.
That's all.

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Chapter 2

"Things look good."

That was the last thing I heard. The doctor might have said something
else after that, but all I remember feeling was this incredible rush
of something going to my head. Things got hazy; there were spots,
then splat!

I took a nosedive into a chair. I bet that looked attractive. Me
sprawled out on the floor in front of the Chief of Staff and the
First Lady's feet. After they revived me with some vile smelling
chemical, I went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face.
CJ stood behind my like some kind of older sister, but thankfully
kept her mouth shut. I remember thinking I would have a bruise, but
that it was okay because I had big dark circles under my eyes and
they would go well together.

I heard Sam tell Josh about the chair. I was just outside the door
when he did. I was waiting for some snide comment about fainting over
him, which is why I hadn't already told him the truth, but it didn't
come. He was tired. And he was starting to hurt.

It was odd how I knew that. It was sort of instinctual really. Or
maybe I just knew his face so well that I could recognize exhaustion
or pain.

I've known Josh Lyman for a little more than two years. Not so long
for two people to have known and worked together, but long enough for
me to pick up on the little things. The way his eyes drooped. The way
his shoulders sagged and his mouth got tight.

But if I think about it, I recognized those things about him on like
day two. He'd been running himself ragged on the campaign trying to
do his job and everyone else's just because he thought he could. I
remember thinking that was one tired guy. I should help him. It's one
of the reason's I picked him as my boss. I watched CJ and Sam. I
discounted Toby immediately, knowing he would take one look at me and
think: flake. But I picked Josh because... I did.

Fate. It wasn't a word I used loosely. A true romantic, I believed
very much in the power of Fate. If I was using the word in
conjunction with Josh it meant that I was supposed to be with him...
forever.

Assistant to Josh Lyman ... for eternity. It was a sobering thought.

Then it occurred to me. Maybe this was why I picked him. Maybe this
was what I was meant to do. It's possible that Fate knew all along
that Josh was going to get shot and that he was going to need help.

And I was going to help him. His mother, who I had met only twice
before, but had talked to on the phone a countless number of times,
was not doing well with this. She couldn't be in the same room with
him without breaking down and it occurred to me that it hadn't really
been that long since she'd struggled to care for her husband while he
fought and lost his battle with cancer.

So when it came down to who would stay with him in the room, and one
of us was definitely going to stay with him, the choice had been
easy. Of course the nurses said no one could stay with him in the IC
unit. I told them that I had been assigned by the Secret Service as a
special agent to protect him. I don't know why, but they didn't
believe me. So I called in the big guns.

By order of the President of the United States of America and Josh's
mom, Ruth, I was allowed to stay with Josh.

I left only when they changed his dressing and adjusted his drainage
tube, and once every morning to shower. I mastered the art of
sleeping in a chair. But since they moved him to a private room, I
upgraded to a bed next to his, which is where I was currently lying
so that I could get a really good view of the checkered ceiling.

And did I mention the private shower? No more using the nurses'
lounge and carting all my stuff in a bag. I claimed the bathroom and
the small ledge above the sink for my moisturizer, deodorant, and
face powder to hide both bruise and dark circles. Obviously, I needed
a darker shade of cover up because Josh had seen right through that.
My toothbrush, toothpaste, and lip-gloss were also among the throng.

The lip-gloss was my way trying to maintain a little professional
distance. I mean it was one thing for Josh to see me when all my
makeup wore off at the end of a day, but it was another thing to
start the morning off barefaced. That reeked of intimacy.

Josh and I weren't intimate. We were colleagues.

Josh and I weren't colleagues. We were more like friends.

Like friends who had grown up together, except we've only known each
other for two years. Yeah, that was it. We were two-year-old lifelong
friends.

I stared at the ceiling and listened to his breathing. It was better
than the bubbling and gurgling when he'd had the chest tube in. The
nurses said it was normal but it gave me the creeps. They said it was
a good sign that they were able remove it as soon as they were. I
took their word for it. Tomorrow they said he needed to start
exercising his lungs. I'm not sure what that entailed, but I had
hunch it was going to be painful. For both of us.

Maybe tomorrow he would remember to make fun of me for fainting.
Personally, I thought duking it out with Mrs. Landingham made a much
better story.

It's just that I had been so tired by that point. No, I wasn't tired.
It was more like I was numb. I remember hearing the news on the TV. I
remember running out the door in a tank top and a pair of old boxers.
Thankfully, my roommate caught me in the hallway and told me to dress
first.

It had been hell trying to get inside the hospital. I held out my
White House Identification like a police badge. Donna Moss, White
House Staffer, let me by please. I sounded very official.

Then I found everyone. Everyone but Josh. And Toby told me what
happened. That's when I went numb. And I stayed numb the whole night
and into the next day. I didn't eat, sleep, talk, drink or even move.
I sat. Sometimes people sat with me. Sometimes I sat alone. It didn't
matter. I was numb.

I think I was starting to scare a few people because at some point
Mrs. Bartlet thought it would be a good idea to take me to the
surgical observation room.

That wasn't such a good idea. Through the numbness, which had been
very helpful up until that point, I could begin to feel pain and loss
and fear. When I saw him on the table, I couldn't imagine how so many
hands could be inside one man's body and that man could still live
afterwards.

But he did. The doctor said that things looked good. And in that
instant the numbness was lifted and everything just sort of hit me at
once. Hey, I could have broken down sobbing and screaming and
thrashing my arms around like a crazed maniac. In hindsight, maybe
fainting had been a good thing.

Beep. Beep.

My watch. It was ten and time to turn Josh. I couldn't do this with
the tube still in place, but now that they had removed it the nurses
said I might as well be the one to turn him. Twice a night. It helped
prevent the fluids from filling up in his lungs. An image I did not
want to spend a lot of time thinking about.

I crawled out of bed and lowered the rails of his bed as quietly as I
could. Then with some gentle nudges I was able to turn him on his
side. He moaned in his sleep probably from the shift in his position,
but he didn't wake up. Something he typically did when the nurses
moved him. They weren't as careful as I tried to be.

For a moment I just watched him. I couldn't help but be struck by the
thought that everything was going to change now. I wasn't sure why I
was so positive about that, but I was.

I heard a gentle knock on the door and a sliver of light filled the
room.

"Donna?"

"Hi, Mrs. Lyman." I walked over to the door and followed her outside
the room. I wore some cotton pants and a t-shirt that hid the fact
that I wasn't wearing bra. At least I hoped it hid that fact. "What
are you doing here, it's after ten."

"I'm leaving tomorrow, Donna."

Okay. I wasn't too sure what to say to that. I mean Josh seemed to be
out of the woods, but...

"I've thought about this a great deal. And I simply can't..."

I could see the tears and instinctively I reached out to grab her
hand. "It's okay, Mrs. Lyman."

"No, it's not okay. Did Josh ever tell you about his sister?"

"Joannie. Yes. He loved her very much." I didn't mention the fact
that Josh was beyond drunk at the time. There were some details a
mother didn't need to know.

"He did. It was so difficult to lose her, so young. But Josh's father
and I ... we kept it together. We had to or we would have lost Josh
too. He felt so guilty. But we did it. We made sure he came through
it.... we may have spoiled him a little in the process.

"You think?"

This made her smile sadly. "Then Noah got sick and I fought so hard,
Donna. It went on for years. We didn't just get treatment for his
cancer we fought it like soldiers. Losing him like we did, not even
from the cancer, almost destroyed me. Like losing Joannie almost
destroyed me all those years ago. Seeing Josh in that hospital bed
all I can think of is if I lose him, I've lost everything. And I
simply can't bear it. I can't smell the rubbing alcohol, or listen to
the squeak of the nurses' shoes. I can't stay."

I nodded. "You don't have to."

She looked at me then with a strange piercing gaze. "I believe that
or I wouldn't be going. You're going to stay with him? You're going
to take care of him?"

"Yes. I will."

"Because there's no one else. Not really. Mandy quit. Did you hear
that?"

I did. Not only that but she was moving out to California. I
suppressed the urge to do my happy dance. "I have to tell you Mrs.
Lyman, I know they used to date a while back, but I don't think she
would have been so good for him at a time like this."

"You mean because she's a selfish bitch who can't see beyond her own
ambition."

I wouldn't have phrased it exactly like that, but if the shoe fit...

"I wouldn't have let the shrew within ten feet Joshua. I never liked
her. Hell, I don't think he ever liked her that much. But she was the
first woman I think he believed was almost as smart as him. He's had
a chance to learn better now."

"Yeah, CJ could wipe the floor with Mandy," I smiled.

Mrs. Lyman gave me that look again. Like she was trying to see inside
me. It made me want to close my eyes.

"Okay. I'll be by tomorrow to say goodbye. I just couldn't sleep
until I had told you. I know what I'm asking, Donna."

"I think in a way he'll be relieved. With you here it makes him think
that's really sick. If you leave, he'll know that he's going to be
fine. I'll take good care of him, Mrs. Lyman."

She nodded. "Call me Ruth. Please."

Yeah right. I just smiled.

"You know Donna this is going to change things between the two of
you."

I did know that. And I was afraid of it too. "Things are going to get
pretty intense," I acknowledged. They already had and they had just
begun.

"Yes they are. He's going to have to let you help him. Something he
absolutely detests. All the boundaries you've established between you
will have to be dropped. You will no longer be an assistant. You will
be his wife, his mother, his nurse, his friend, his enemy. I've been
there Donna, but of course it was easier for me because I was doing
it with the man I had been married to for over thirty years."

"Yeah, I can see where that would give you an advantage."

Again she smiled. "Just don't back down from him. He'll get nasty. As
much as I love him, I know this about him. He'll try to push you away
and you're going to have to be strong in order to hang on. Promise me
you'll do that. That you'll stay no matter what."

"I promise. But it might cost me my job."

Ruth patted me on the arm. "If he fires you, you call me. I'll make
him hire you back."

"Okay. I better get back in there. Goodnight Mrs. Lyman."

"Ruth."

"Right. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Donna. And... thank you."

I nodded and watched as she walked away, her shoulders a little
slumped. Then I could see them shaking and I realized she was crying
again. I wanted to hug her, but just didn't feel as if it was my
place.

Instead I returned to Josh. I stood still until I could hear his
breathing. Once I heard it, I crawled back into bed.

Yes, everything was going to change. Mrs. Lyman was right about that.
It might end up that after this was all over we could no longer work
together anymore. I joked about getting fired, but the fear was real.
I mean if we crossed too many lines, it might simply be too awkward
for us to go back to working together at the White House.

I turned my head so I could see him. The room was dark but I could
make out the lines of his face. I couldn't imagine working for anyone
else. But at the same time I couldn't imagine letting anyone else
take care of him.

It looked as if I was just going to have to leave it up to Fate. She
would know what to do. She always did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 3

"No way."

"Josh."

"No way," I told her.

"Your ankles are swelling. You need to put these on."

"No way."

It was kind of fun watching her get all frustrated. She was huffing
and glaring at me like she wanted to rip me to shreds. It was a
pathetic state of affairs when watching Donna's face turn red was the
hot spot of entertainment for the day.

"Josh, no one but me is going to see you. If Sam or anyone drops by
I'll just pull the blanket over you."

"Wrong. No one is going to see me in stockings because I'm not
wearing them."

"They're not stockings, Josh. They're ...."

"Leotards? Because that's not going to work either."

"Fine."

"Really?" That was an easy battle. Frankly, I had been hoping for a
little more of a challenge. The truth was I couldn't watch any more
CNN or my brain would explode. I'd read every article about me that
was printed. Twice. And I had finished the paper by ten that morning.
Donna was limiting visitors to two a day thirty minutes per visit and
so the only other thing that broke the monotony of my day was
fighting with Donna.

Sometimes I won. Sometimes I lost. Regardless, it was always amusing.

"Yes, I think you're right. You'll look silly wearing them."

"Absolutely."

"Feminine even."

"Right. They look like some ballerina's leg warmers."

"I couldn't agree more. And who cares if you're ankles are swelling a
bit and your blood is settling and starting to clot because you're
not getting enough circulation. I mean if you throw an embolism and
it rushes to your head or your lungs or your heart you'll probably
die, but hey at least you can say you went down looking like a man.
And isn't that what really counts?"

"I hate it when you do that."

She smiled at me.

"When you talk all medical and stuff. You've been spending too much
damn time with all those nurses."

"Jeanne is my friend. Now I'm putting the stockings on, then we're
doing your exercises."

Since moving quickly was still beyond my capabilities I couldn't stop
her from pulling back that blanket and tugging what I knew to be girl
leotards on my legs.

"Don't these things come in black?"

"Blue goes with your hospital gown."

"And that's important."

Once she had the stockings in place I looked down at myself. It was
sad. I looked like the chick from Flash Dance.

"Ow," I grumbled as Donna lifted my leg. With one hand wrapped around
my ankle and another under my knee, she bent my knee pushing it
towards my chest and pulled out it out again simulating an
exaggerated walking motion.

"Sorry."

"You push too hard," I snapped.

"I need to make sure you're getting a full range of motion."

"Fine, but I'm not fucking contortionist."

"You're in a mood today," she said while continuing to push and pull.

I disregarded that comment, not because it wasn't true, but because
it was so obvious. I mean who wouldn't be in a damn mood sitting in
damn bed all day long.

And my chest hurt. This morning we played another round of let's make
Josh hock up a lung. The nurses said it was necessary to cough in
order to get my lungs working again but it hurt like a bitch. And it
always freaked Donna out.

The first time she'd screamed at the nurse and told her to stop
because it was hurting me. That was Jeanne. She'd promptly escorted
Donna out of the room. I don't know what she said to her, but when
she came back Donna had this stoic look on her face. Then I proceeded
to spew mucus into a bedpan and I thought Donna was going to lose her
lunch. But she didn't it. She was tough.

I'm not sure I knew that about her before. How tough she was.

"Oww! You did it again," I ranted. "I can't touch my knee to my chest
Donna. I couldn't do it before I got shot."

"Sorry."

"And I hurt... from this morning. I need..."

"No."

"I need it." I reached for the switch attached the I.V. that was
plugged into my arm. It was for self-medication. I was on a continual
morphine drip, but I had this cool switch that would give me an extra
shot of drugs if I decided I needed it.

Donna dropped my leg and pulled the switch out of my reach. "No.
You're not in that much pain if you're still yelling at me. And you
shouldn't be taking morphine just because you're grumpy."

She was right. I wasn't really in that much pain. Just sore. And
agitated. And restless.

She moved to the other side of the bed and started to work on the
other leg. Bend, up, and out. Bend, up, and out.

Then something occurred to me. I wasn't wearing any underwear. Just a
cheap hospital gown because I still couldn't lift my arms over my
head to get a shirt on and off easily. I had boxers but the nurse had
taken them off so I could use the bathroom that morning. Standing and
walking the three feet to the toilet took so much energy that I
didn't have any strength left to bother putting them back on again.

"Donna can you see my... I mean when you lift my leg can you see my...
boys?"

"Yes." She continued to lift and bed without even looking at me.

"I mean like the whole package?"

"Yes," she sighed then and finally looked at me. She wasn't even
blushing! "Are you going to make a big deal of this?"

"You don't think I should?"

"Josh it's not like this is the first time."

"It isn't?"

"No. I've pretty much seen everything."

"Everything."

"Yes. Yesterday, when Jeanne took you to the bathroom... well, I got
the back shot too."

"This is outrageous!"

"Josh you really need to get over it. It's no big deal."

"No big deal!" Shouting took too much air and, I started to cough
again. Immediately, Donna reached for the bedpan. I hocked up major
loogie and settled back down on the bed.

"Deep breaths," she instructed.

"Give it a rest Florence Nightingale." I sat there in utter
mortification. Donna had seen me naked. What the hell was a man
supposed to do with that information? She wasn't my sister or my
girlfriend. She wasn't supposed to see me naked. She was my assistant
for crying out loud. How the hell could I ever look her in the face
again? I mean there we would be in the Roosevelt Room at some staff
meeting talking about economic policy or something and the whole time
I would be thinking Donna's seen my dick. That can't be good thing
for the state of the country. That I'm thinking about that during an
economic policy meeting.

"Okay, obviously it is a big deal. So we'll address it."

I just looked at her with an expression of disgust. I mean it's not
like I hadn't, maybe, possibly, entertained the idea of perhaps one
day Donna seeing me in the buff. It's just that when I thought about
it, I was a lot more ... impressive.

"Josh look at me."

"No." I purposefully turned away from her and wondered if I closed my
eyes would she disappear.

"Josh you need to get over this. The doctor is going to check your
stitches again today. Depending on how well they are healing you
might be able to take a shower tomorrow or the next day. You're going
to need me to help. You're going to be naked."

So this is it. This is what I've been reduced to. Naked boy. And she
acted like it didn't even matter.

She moved around the bed and sat on it next to me. I tried to turn
away but she grabbed my chin. She looked like she was about to say
something, but then she stopped.

Then she said, "Okay what do I have to do to make us even?"

"Even?"

"Yes, Josh. Clearly the idea of me seeing the ... boys... has upset you.
So what can I do to make up for it?"

"I don't know," I mumbled. Although I was getting a few ideas.

"Butt or boobs?"

"Excuse me?"

"Butt or boobs," she said again.

"Isn't that a restaurant?"

"I mean it, Josh. You need to cope with the fact that in the course
of my taking care of you, I've seen things. I'm going to continue to
see things. However, I'm willing to acknowledge that this is a little
unfair. It's not like you have a choice. So to keep things even, I'll
show you mine. Butt or boobs?"

I considered this. I mean come on, seeing her naked was not going to
take away the sting of humiliation I suffered knowing that she'd seen
me before I wanted her to. It wasn't about body parts it was about
vulnerability. It was about lying here and needing her and knowing I
couldn't stop needing her. She could see me naked and I couldn't do a
damn thing about it. I couldn't even tell her to leave. I didn't have
the much inner fortitude. I needed her. Desperately.

I hated that.

So seeing Donna in the altogether probably wasn't going to fix that.
She was right. I was just going to have to find a way to deal. But I
wasn't about to pass up this opportunity.

"Both," I said.

"No."

"Donna you saw the whole package, plus the back shot. You're lucky I
don't make you stand on the bed and do a striptease."

"I'm sorry, Josh. I'm all about keeping things equal but let's not
get ridiculous. Frankly, I think I'm being very magnanimous by
allowing you to see anything. Now what's it going to be butt or
boobs?"

"Okay, you're going to have to stop saying that because it makes me
want to laugh and if I do that I'll hock up another loogie."

"Fine then choose."

Hmmm. This was a tough one. One the one hand Donna had these perky
breasts that I was sure would be a delight to my eye. On the other
hand she had one of those butts that was really lifted. I could just
imagine a pair smooth white round cheeks. Mmmmm.

"Do I get to touch?"

"No!"

"If I don't get to see both, I think I should at least get to touch."

"No touching. Eyes only and for a limited time duration."

"Oh see now that's unfair. You're putting in way to many
restrictions."

"Sorry, Josh. That's how it's got to be."

Decisions. Decisions. "Boobs."

"Fine."

I waited for a minute, but nothing happened. She was still just
sitting there. "Uhhh, I'm not seeing anything."

"Did you think I was just going to whip them out right here?"

"Yeah." Why did this surprise her?

"Josh, someone might walk in. A nurse, a doctor, Sam."

"Sam can't see them," I blurted out. Not too sure why that was
important to me but it was. My boys, her boobs. I wanted no co-
mingling here.

"I'll show them to you tomorrow. You know when you're taking your
shower. If you get to take it."

I considered debating this issue, but just then the door opened and
CJ walked in.

Donna smiled and said hello and I'm pretty sure she set the timer on
her watch. She really was a fanatic.

I couldn't remember one damn thing CJ said to me during her visit. I
sat there nodding and grunting the whole time thinking...I'm gonna see
Donna's boobs.

Cool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 4

"Can you shake them a little?"

I immediately put my shirt down. Leave it to Josh to instantly turn
my embarrassment into irritation. "Show's over."

"Oh come on, that was only like ten seconds."

"Right which is five seconds longer than I agreed to." An agreement I
couldn't believe I had made in the first place. I walked out of the
bathroom and headed for my suitcase, which is what I had been living
out of for the last week. My roommate had packed it up for me and
Margaret brought it to the hospital. I only had one clean pair of
underwear left. I was going to either have to find a Laundromat or go
home.

"Donna."

I turned around expecting to find Josh behind me. He was getting
pretty good at managing the walk from the bed to the bathroom.

The doctor had just cleared him for his first shower today hence the
peep show I had foolishly promised. He'd left his boxers on for the
shower, not to sure why since I already confirmed I had seen the
whole deal. But every once and awhile we tried to pretend that we
were the same two people we were before the shooting. We weren't.

After five minutes he hadn't been able to stand any longer. I helped
him out of the shower and sat him on the closed lid of the toilet
while I wrapped him in a towel. Then he made me pay up. Since I don't
sleep in a bra it had been easy enough to just lift my shirt and give
him a quick peek at the girls.

I walked back to the bathroom and found him still sitting on the
toilet. He lifted his face to mine and I could sense his frustration
and maybe even a little despair. It broke my heart, but I refused to
let him see that.

"I can't get up."

I said nothing. There was nothing to say that was going to make this
any better. I moved my arm under his left arm securing it around his
back and gave him a boost so that he could stand. His legs were
shaky, no doubt from the hot water of the shower, so I gave him a
minute before we started to move.

It seemed to take forever, but eventually we made it back to the bed.
Then I looked down and saw his wet boxers. Thankfully, Sam had gone
to his place and had packed a few things for him as well, mostly
underwear and his favorite robe. I snagged a pair of boxers from his
duffel bag and realized that he too was down to his last pair.

As clinically and quickly as I could, I stripped off the wet shorts
and replaced them with the dry ones.

"Lift your hips." He did and I slid the cotton over his butt then
helped him into his robe.

"Maybe the shower wasn't such a good idea."

"Maybe."

His expression was closed and he was doing that tight-lipped thing
which at first I thought meant pain, but had since come to associate
with mortification.

I considered showing him my boobs again. Maybe even shaking them.

Fortunately, before I could do this the doctor walked in.

"Good morning Mr. Lyman."

"Josh," he corrected. They did this every time. The doctor called him
Mr. Lyman. Josh tried to get him to use his first name. The truth was
I don't think the doctor ever really listened to Josh.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Like crap."

"Good, good," the doctor murmured. He checked the chart and nodded.

"This looks promising, Mr. Lyman."

"Why won't he call me Josh?" Josh was looking at me.

"I think he likes to maintain emotional distance. You know in case
you die."

"I'm not going to die," Josh told the doctor.

That got his attention. "No, of course not. I do excellent work."

Again Josh looked at me. "This guy is more arrogant that I am."

"Impossible."

"If you continue to progress like this Mr. Lyman we should be able to
release you soon. I see here you had a slight fever, but it looks
like we were able take care of that. We'll watch you for a few more
days and then see how it goes."

With that he left.

"See that's good news," I said trying to be cheery.

"Yeah."

It was hard to know what he was thinking. I was thinking that if Josh
was going to be released there were a number of things I needed to
take care of first. And there was the matter of the laundry. He
wasn't going to like it, but the time had finally come.

"Josh I need to leave."

"What!"

"Just temporarily," I assured him. "I need to do some laundry. We're
both out of clean underwear. Also I need to make sure your place is
ready for you. And while I'm out it wouldn't be a bad idea to stop by
the office. I can only imagine the state of your inbox."

This seemed to perk him up. "Hey yeah. And you could bring me back
some reports on housing that I was looking at before, and there's a
few bills that I need to review..."

"Absolutely not. Josh, I'm not bringing you work. Not yet."

"But Donna I'm going crazy. And if you leave I'll have nothing to do
but just sit here."

"Fine. I'll pick you up some magazines before I go."

"Playboy?"

"Absolutely. How about Hustler and Penthouse too?"

"I think you're being sarcastic."

"I think you're right." I took my clothes into the bathroom to
change. When I came out I could see that Josh was nodding off.

"I'll be right back," I whispered wondering if he heard me.

Then his eyes opened. "I'll wait."

I wasn't sure what he was waiting for.

I picked up every conceivable magazine they had at the newsstand
located just a block down from the hospital. Who knew there were so
many? There were magazines on sports, cars, science, space, and
history. And I picked up a Glamour and Vogue for me.

I rushed back up to the room and saw that Josh was still awake. He
seemed to be fighting off sleep.

"Josh, close your eyes."

"You're back," he murmured.

Worried, I walked over to his bed. I stroked his cheek and I could
see the relief in his eyes. "Go to sleep."

"Don't go. Wait."

I got it. He didn't want to sleep without me here. "Okay."

With that he let his eyes shut and in minutes he was sound asleep. I
pulled out my Vogue and waited.

****

"Science and Technology? Why did you get this one? What the hell am I
going to do with this?"

"Read it Josh. You might actually learn something new. Okay, I'm
going." I had packed his dirty boxers into my overnight bag. I had
written my list of everything I needed to accomplish, the order in
which I needed to accomplish them, and the time allotment for each
task.

Josh insisted on knowing exactly what time I would be returning. So I
had to write it all out for him. The list was on the night stand next
to the bed.

1. Go to Josh's apartment - 10 minutes
2. Do white load - 20 minutes
3. Clean kitchen - Same 20 minutes
4. Do color load/ Dry white load - 20 minutes
5. Clean bathroom - Same 20 minutes
6. Clean bedroom - 20 minutes while both white load and color
load finished drying.
7. Go to the office - 3 hours including travel time.
8. Return to the hospital 15 minutes.
9. Estimated arrival 4 hours and 25 minutes.

He was flipping through the pages of the Science magazine.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah. You're going. I got the list. You'll be back by 5."

I don't know why but I was a little perturbed by his attitude. This
was the first time I was going to be away from him for more than
twenty minutes. One would think he'd have a little more of a
reaction.

"Hey, the nurse said I could start eating real food. Maybe you could
pick me up a burger and some fries."

"Sure."

"You know how I like my..."

"Yes."

"And who is coming to visit today?"

Oh sure. Replace me with visitors. "CJ and Leo."

"Okay."

He went back to reading his magazine. And I just stood there like an
idiot. "So I'm leaving."

"Right."

"This second, but I'll be back in a few hours."

"Yeah I know."

"You have my pager number."

"Yep."

"And you'll page me if you need me or anything."

"Donna, I'm fine. Go."

Oh great. Now he was practically pushing me out of the room. "All
right. I'm going."

"Okay then."

I turned and looked at the door. I just couldn't make my legs move.
My heart was pounding in my chest and I had this awful feeling that
on the other side of that door was some big black hole that would
suck me up once I left, and I would never make it back to him.

"Donna."

I turned around and saw him staring at me. I think he knew what I was
thinking. He lifted his hand out to me and I reached for it like a
lifeline.

"I'm..."

"I know. It's okay."

"I'll be back," I said and squeezed his hand.

He smiled then. "Okay Arnold. I'll be waiting."

I smiled too. I let his hand go and bravely marched for the door. I
turned back one last time and was pleased that he was watching me.

"Four hours and twenty-five minutes," he said.

"Four hours and twenty-five minutes," I nodded.

It would seem like an eternity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 5

"Virtual reality?"

"No Virtual Chaos. It's the Theory of Everything."

"Everything?"

"Yes."

"What's included in everything?"

"Everything!"

"Josh, good teachers don't yell."

I struggled to find patience. I was laying down on the back seat of
my Saab, my knees in the air. I couldn't sit in the front seat
because the seatbelt hurt too much. So Donna suggested this. We were
going home today.

No. I was going home. Donna was coming with me. My home. Not hers. We
had completely separate homes. I wondered if she was going to stay
with me. Of course she was going to stay. She stayed at the hospital.
She would stay with me here. Right?

Unless she thought I didn't need her to stay. Obviously the medical
community felt I was well enough to be on my own. Even though I still
couldn't walk more than ten steps without getting shaky. I slept more
than I was awake. And my body hurt in ways I couldn't describe most
of that time I was awake.

I should ask her. But what if she said no.

"I thought you didn't like science," she said.

"I didn't until I read this. It was fascinating. Everything is based
on the principle of 123."

"So the Theory of Life, Nature, Religion and even God can be found in
the lyrics of a Jackson 5 song. I always knew they were special."

"You're mocking me."

"Obviously. But I have to say I'm a little surprised."

"About what." I could feel the car turning and reached out to brace
myself against the back of the seat so I wouldn't fall off. My arm
hurt. My chest hurt. My head hurt but that had more to do with
Donna. "I need a pill."

"You don't need a pill."

"I'm in pain."

"You're a baby."

"I'm not a baby, Donna. I'm a gun shot victim. You're talking to one
tough guy. I'm gonna make people start calling me Duke. And what are
you surprised about?"

"Well now I'm surprised that you think people might actually call you
Duke. But before I was just thinking that you actually learned all
that stuff in those science magazines. You're really quite smart."

"I've been telling you for years how smart I am."

"Yes, but I never believed you."

"That's good to know."

"You created a secret plan to fight inflation... we're not talking
Einstein here, Josh."

"Oh great. Let's play kick the gun shot victim while he's down."

"Baby," I heard her mutter under her breath. But I let that go. I was
back to thinking about what it was going to be like to be home. It
was strange, but as much as I hated the hospital, and I did hate the
hospital, the food, the people, the noise, the smell, all of it, I
felt safe there.

I mean what if my heart stopped or something. What if I shot one of
those Ebola things Donna was always rambling on about? What if I
died? Who would know?

"We're here."

"What if I die?" I blurted out suddenly the words in my head working
their way out of my mouth without my permission. Sad to say but that
was sort of the norm where I was concerned.

Donna didn't say anything for a minute. I heard the click of the
seatbelt being released then she leaned over the seat and looked down
at me. "You're not going to die."

"But what if I did? People might not know for days. You know until I
started to smell."

See I realized that this was just my brain's method of finding out if
Donna was actually going to stay with me without me having to beg her
like a big sissy boy. It really was quite a clever little brain.

"Josh, you're such a dork. I'm going to stay with you."

Her brain, it seemed, was rather clever as well.

"I can take care of myself, Donna." Of course we both knew this to be
a lie, but Donna would see that it was important to me to assert my
independence thereby asserting my manhood, which would result in a
restoration of a sliver of pride.

"No you can't. You're a big baby."

Or not.

"Come on, I'm double parked."

Carefully, gingerly she maneuvered me into a sitting position, with
me saying, "Ow, ow, ow," the whole time. Then she got me into a
standing position, which was always a challenge to see how the legs
were going to hold up. They were feeling pretty good today. But I had
eight stairs leading up to my condo. I know because I counted them in
my head on the drive over.

"You can do it," she assured me as we stared at the stairs that might
has well have been Mt. Everest for all if my confidence in being able
to climb them.

I took a step forward and waited. I was going to have to work myself
up to this. "Go park the car. Then come back and get me. This is
going to take a while."

"You should have let Sam come."

Right. So everyone could take part in my humiliation. "Sam's busy.
The midterms are right around the corner."

She was shaking her head like she didn't buy it and I didn't blame
her because it was a lousy lie. But she went and parked the car.
Actually just a block down the street. It was mid-morning and most
everyone was at work. The thing was, I wouldn't have been able to
walk from where she parked to here. I was pathetic.

She jogged back and got on my left side while we climbed the stairs.
By the time we reached the top I wanted to shout to the world that I
did it! I made it to the top. Only I was out of breath.

Donna opened the door while I stood slightly hunched over because it
made my stitches itch a little less. They'd been driving me nuts
lately, but the nurses had just chattered about how it was a good
sign because they were healing.

The doctor wasn't even going to take them out. He said they would
dissolve naturally. Dissolve where? Didn't that mean I would have
particles of stitches floating around my insides. That couldn't be a
good thing. I made a mental to note to ask Donna to check on that for
me about the effects of floating stitch particles on internal organs.

I walked inside my own home and tried to make myself be happy about
this. It should have felt familiar to me, but for whatever reason it
seemed different. Maybe because I was different. I didn't know quite
how. I just knew I wasn't the same man I was before I got shot.

Or maybe it seemed so strange because it was clean. "Where's all my
stuff?"

"You need to sit down Josh."

"Where's all my stuff?"

Donna was leading me to this big brown stuffed chair I had. There was
already a pillow on it for support. I let her guide me to the chair
and let her ease me into it. The problem with a chest wound was that
I couldn't slow my descent because I couldn't put any weight on my
arms, which in turn put pressure on my chest. I needed one of those
old people chairs where you pressed a button and it lowered you down
or you pressed a button and it lifted you up. I made mental note to
ask Donna about where I would get one of those chairs. For now I just
sort of plopped down.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Where's all my stuff?"

"Josh, is that all you have to say? How about thank you Donna for
cleaning out my pig sty apartment."

"Thank you Donna for cleaning my apartment. Where's all my stuff?"

"What stuff?"

"My papers."

"They were old newspapers Josh. I threw them out."

I tried not to let the panic overwhelm me. "I need those papers
Donna. There were articles I was going to cut out and save written by
people I needed to remember to hate."

"You were not going to save them. You always say that, but you never
do. You just wait until they turn into a pile too big to deal with
then you throw them out. I just beat you to it."

She was right of course, but there was something unsettling about the
fact that she would just throw out my stuff. I mean who did she think
she was?

That was a good question. Who was she?

Who was this woman who had come and seemingly taken over my life. She
bathed me, fed me, consoled me, nagged me, pushed me. Now she was
going to stay with me in my home.

It suddenly occurred to me that things would be different when we
went back to work. She saw me naked. I saw her boobs. They were
really nice by the way. My mind took a little detour back to that
particular image of white flesh being capped off by some pretty pink
nipples.

"You're thinking about my breasts again aren't you?"

"How did you know?"

"You get this dreamy expression on your face, Josh. You're really
going to have to stop that."

Because one day we would go back to work. One day I would have to
bellow at her for memos and reports and bullet points. One day I
would have to sit across from her during a review where I would say
what? You're organized, efficient, prompt, hardworking and a real
asset. Oh yeah and thanks for taking care of me, nursing me back to
health, and by the way you've got really great breasts.

"Donna," I began. "Maybe.... maybe this isn't such a good idea."

Hell, just saying the words was enough to start my heart racing in
fear that she would agree. And leave.

She knelt down in front of the chair between my legs. The intimacy
wasn't lost on me. "It's too late, Josh."

"Is it?"

"Yeah. I know you're worried. I was worried too. But I promised your
mom. And the truth is you couldn't do this alone."

"I could call..." I was devastated to know that there wasn't one name I
could think of beyond Donna's.

"See. We're going to be fine, Josh. We just need to establish some
rules."

"Rules?"

"Yeah. I've broken them down into two categories. Donna rules and
Josh rules."

"This should be interesting. What are my rules?"

"You do whatever I say and nobody gets hurt."

"Sounds fair. What are your rules?"

"Everyone does what I say and no one gets hurt."

"You're on a little power trip there aren't you, Donna?"

"And for the duration I am no longer you're assistant. Just look at
me like a nurse. It will help."

Suddenly an image of Donna in a white nurse's outfit with a short
skirt, high heels, and a spiffy little cap popped into my head. "I
don't suppose you've got a nurse's uniform that you can wear around
the place?" See what I mean about words popping out of my mouth
without my permission.

Donna just shook her head. "You're such a dork." But she was smiling.
She got up from her knees and headed for the kitchen. "I'm going to
fix you lunch. What do you want?"

"A burger and fries."

"A grilled chicken sandwich and a salad. That does sound good."

"I didn't say...."

"Remember the rules, Josh."

"Right. So if you're staying aren't you going to have to go home and
pack?"

"Already done. I've taken over the top two drawers of your dresser
and one half of the closet. As for the bathroom, we'll just say
that's all mine."

"Half the closet?"

"I needed space for my work clothes. I figure I'll have to start
going back to the office on a regular basis sometime next week."

That meant our clothes were co-mingled in the closet. She had
possession of my drawers. Not those drawers, my dresser drawers. She
was making me lunch and she was going to stay with me and take care
of me.

This was good. This was a relief. This was going to change
everything.

But as I listened to her singing, "ABC, it's easy as 123, ABC, 123
baby you and me." I thought maybe the changes wouldn't be such a bad
thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 6

I sat back on the lounge chair and lifted my face to the sun. I
considered the risks. Sunburn, skin cancer, and worst of all
wrinkles, but decided a few hours of some rays wouldn't hurt.

It was already September but it was the first day that the humidity
was bearable enough to warrant sitting outside in the late summer
sun. It was still hot, but at least the air was breathable. Josh had
this cool grassy garden area behind his building that the four
residents all shared. Well three residents shared. Josh hadn't even
known it was out here.

I set my book down for minute and took a sip of lemonade and enjoyed
the peace.

Josh was sleeping and I realized that this was what it must feel like
for new mothers when the baby finally went down for a nap. I took the
opportunity for a little me time, pulled out my bikini, lathered up
with some Number 30, made a fresh pitcher of lemonade and now I'm
sitting here getting wrinkles not listening to Josh.

Deeeligtful.

Who knew this caregiver thing was going to be so strenuous? It's a
good thing I was naturally gifted at it. The secret was in the
schedule.

Mornings started with a light breakfast, usually toast or yogurt.
Trust me, getting Josh to eat yogurt first thing in the morning was
no easy task. If not for the Josh rules being so thoroughly enforced,
I'm not sure we would have made it through that first week.

Then came exercises. The hospital had sent us home with a list. I
made him do them everyday religiously; to re-build is strength and
stamina.

Then we showered which was getting easier. He could do his business
behind the curtain while I sat on the toilet seat. When he was done I
handed him a towel, then when he was dry I handed him his robe.

All nakedness had been removed from the proceedings. Except for when
he didn't close the curtain all the way and I could see him through
opening.

Mamma, he was hot. I don't think I ever realized that. Maybe in the
beginning when I ... I thought I might possibly have a little crush on
him. One that I firmly squashed the minute I found out he was dating
Mandy. I mean who could be attracted to someone who was attracted to
her.

But I have to say I never told him when the curtain wasn't shut all
the way. In fact... I lingered. I did. It was terrible. No quick shy
glances, no averting the eyes. I'm talking out and out goggling.
Worse I began to think...sexy things. I started wondering what it would
be like to kiss him. I started wondering what he would do if I joined
him in the shower.

I started wondering whom he was going to need to date so that I would
get over these feelings. I mean I couldn't have a thing for Josh. I
wouldn't have a thing for Josh. Falling for the boss? Too clich‚.

Only I was starting to think that whoever it was, she was going to
have to be pretty damn awful.

It helped that immediately after the shower I allotted two hours for
Josh to speak to the office. Work was a sharp reminder of what we had
been to each other in our former lives.

I bought a speakerphone because it hurt to hold the receiver to his
ear that long. Did I mention that Josh was a complete baby about
certain things? He usually spoke to Leo, but on alternate days it
could be Sam or Toby. Mostly they talked strategy for the upcoming
elections.

Josh was a wiz at elections. It was sort of his political specialty.
No doubt because of the challenge and the thrill of winning or
losing. There were no compromises in elections. No amendments. No
last minute codicils. Our guy won or he lost. The end. I think it was
driving him crazy not to be in the middle of it all. Last week he
practically begged me to take him into the office with me. Donna
rules didn't allow for that.

I worked part time. Either I went into the office in the morning and
we switched our morning routine to after lunch or I left after lunch
but made sure I was home in time for dinner. Josh would sleep in the
afternoon, and before dinner I allowed time for personal phone calls.
This time was for his mother, who was coming to visit in October, and
CJ who always said something to make Josh laugh. Once Mandy called.
She didn't say anything funny, just tried to explain why she left
without so much as a goodbye. I told Josh time was up a little early.
I think he looked relieved.

Then Josh and I would make dinner together. It was becoming a thing.
I insisted he eat healthy as the doctor insisted it was important to
keep his blood pressure down, not too sure why, but I didn't question
it. So I had him on this heart healthy food kick, which he hated. To
compensate he said he needed to be part of the food preparation
process so that he could approve everything I made and add taste when
necessary.

I thought about turkey taco night and smiled.

I thought about November, which was when we decided he could
officially return to work, and felt tears well up behind my eyes.

Why in the hell was I doing that? Why was I crying? Must be the sun.

And to round out Josh's schedule we had playtime after dinner. This
usually consisted of him mocking actors on TV sitcoms or debating via
the television with some of the guests on Larry King. Other nights I
let him play professor to my college co-ed. No it wasn't some kinky
sex game, it's just that Josh liked to teach and I liked to learn. I
teased him about not realizing he was smart, but the truth was I knew
he was brilliant. I would never admit it, but there were times I felt
I could listen to him for hours. He talked to me about government,
politics, history, science, and anything else, that floated through
his mind. I had learned more from him in the past few weeks than I
had in two years of college.

So I was being taught all the knowledge that a Harvard graduate had.
Would it be overstating things very much to say that this in some
strange way made me a Harvard graduate? I would have to consider that
the next time I had to write a resume.

At ten he was promptly put to bed. I believed in maintaining a hard
and fast bedtime or else he would linger for hours. Josh was more of
a night owl and I could sense he was having a hard time getting to
sleep lately. But his body needed it. I usually gave him a pain pill,
which had the added effect of making him loopy enough so that he
could doze off.

Then I sacked out on the couch and would wake only two or three times
a night to check on him to make sure he was still breathing.
Sometimes four. But I always went right back to sleep after.

"I would know that alabaster skin anywhere."

I lifted my head and saw Danny Concannon leaning on the iron gate
that led to the garden.

"Hi Danny."

"Hey Donna."

"You can't see me him Danny."

"Who said anything about wanting to see him Donna?"

"Okay."

"So can I see him?"

"Nope."

"Five minutes."

"Nope."

"I don't suppose it occurred to you that Josh and I go way back.
We're friends Donna. This isn't about me wanting a story. This is
about my concern for an old friend. This about me wanting to see how
he's holding up after tragically being shot down by two hate filled
teenagers."

"And..."

"And I'm doing a piece on his recovery. I need five minutes."

"Nope."

"Josh! Josh!"

"Shhh. He's sleeping." I looked up at the open window that led to his
bedroom. Nothing. I stood and turned to Danny with a very severe
expression. I felt like lioness in the wild and someone had just
messed with my cub. "Go away Danny."

"Okay, I'll take a quote from you. How's he doing?"

"He's doing fine."

"Donna! Who is that?"

I turned and saw Josh looking out the window.

"Hi Josh!"

"Is that Danny?"

"Go back inside Josh." I turned to Danny. "Go away Danny."

"Five minutes."

"Let him come inside."

"No. No interviews."

"But Donna I'm bored. I want to play!"

"He wants to play Donna." Danny shot me a victory smile.

"Five minutes. No specific questions about his health. And if you so
much as mention Rossyln or ask about any memories he might have,
you're a dead man."

Danny actually looked frightened. Good. Frightened was a good thing.

I opened the gate and led him back inside. Josh was waiting at the
front door.

"Tell me something. Anything. Give me some piece of information that
exists beyond these four walls."

"You're so dramatic. You read the paper every day, talk to the office
every day, and watch CNN every night. You know everything that Danny
knows."

"Congressman Reynolds is shacking up with his twenty one year old
intern," Danny announced.

"See," Josh said to me. "I didn't know that."

I walked past Josh into the kitchen figuring I would get the boys
something to drink. Maybe even some cookies.

"What in the hell are you wearing?"

I turned and found Josh staring at my belly button.

"It's called a bikini, developed in the late fifties by a French
designer..."

"I think it's very flattering, Donna." This from Danny who was still
afraid I might hurt him.

"Shut up," Josh said turning back to Danny. Then back to me. Then
back to Danny. "And stop looking at her." Now back to me. "Go put
something, anything on. You're practically naked."

I chuckled. "I am not. This is what I wear on the beach."

"What beach?"

"The beach I go to when I'm not working for you."

"And you let all these men...people see you in that scrap of nothing?"

"Yep."

That shut him up. Then he mumbled, "I've never seen you in a bikini."

"Yes you have."

"When?"

"Right now. So what do you think?" I wasn't trying to angle for a
compliment. And I didn't care at all what he thought of my body. Not
really. Okay maybe a little but I refused to acknowledge that thought
so it didn't count.

I really just wanted to tease him because he was getting all
flustered and hey, I needed my fun too. So I turned very slowly on my
toes to better highlight my calves and butt until I had done a 360.
Then I placed a hand on my hip and gave him one of those Miss America
swimsuit poses.

His face was all flushed and when I met his eyes there wasn't any
humor or teasing in them. Suddenly, he walked off to the bathroom and
I heard the door slam close behind him.

"What's the matter?"

"I don't know. You better go, Danny."

He nodded. "Tell him I'll come back another day."

"Okay."

"And Donna, for what it's worth, you're doing a hell of a job. He
really looks okay."

"He is," I assured him. He was fine.

We had suddenly entered a whole new phase.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 7

This should be a good thing. I should be happy. I pulled away the
elastic band of my sweat pants. Yep, still there. Hard as a rock. And
I should be excited. I mean I was excited, but I should be excited to
be excited. This was my first one since...

Even when I got to see Donna's boobs, nothing. Of course I was still
in a lot of pain back then and the last thing on my mind had been
sex.

It didn't help that the last thing on my mind now should be sex. Or
more accurately sex with Donna. But there she was standing in a
bikini with her long slim body exposed before me and I had this
sudden urge to rip out Danny's eyes. I wanted to rip apart every guy
who had seen her on the beach. I wanted to push her up against the
counter and ....

Okay, not helping.

There was a soft knock on the door. "Josh?"

Definitely not helping. "Go away."

"Danny's gone."

Shit. Danny. How the hell was I supposed to explain this to him?

"I told him that the medication you took sometimes made you nauseous."

That was pretty good. Not that he was going to believe her.

"Josh come out here and talk to me."

Not a chance. If I saw her again, I might do something. I couldn't do
something. I wouldn't do something. This was all so much bullshit. I
needed to get a grip.

This wasn't about Donna. This was about my body starting to heal and
feel whole again. Hell, I would have had the same reaction to
Madeline Albright in a bikini. Okay well, maybe not her.

And even if it was Donna, then it was just because she was here and
taking care of me. Like how the soldiers always fell for the nurses
in the hospital during wartime. That's all this was. This was not
about any feelings, emotional or sexual, that I had for Donna. It
couldn't be. Because when this little honeymoon was over we both had
to go back to work.

"Josh we need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about. Just go away, Donna. Leave me alone
for one damn minute. Can you do that?"

Silence. Great, now I had pissed her off. It was just because I was
frustrated. Frustrated in many many ways.

I heard her in the bedroom. My guess was that she was dressing. My
hope was that she was dressing. All I had to do was close my eyes and
see her white skin and legs, then I put that together with the mental
image of her naked breasts and... "Ohhh."

"I'm going out. I'll be back later."

A minute later and I heard the front door close. I opened the
bathroom door and saw that she had in fact left. I felt my heart
start to pound, but not in a good way. The panic was overwhelming.
This wasn't like when she left to go to the office. I had no problem
handling that now. I knew she would be back.

This was different. I sat down on the couch and tried to breath. I
was going to have to get over this. I couldn't live with Donna for
the rest of my life.

Why that thought should make me sad I didn't know. Maybe she was on
to something. Maybe this was all about the medication.

The phone rang. I picked it up. That felt strange. Donna wouldn't let
me answer the phone. All calls had to be screened. She was really
quite militant about it. I felt like an aberrant kid breaking the
rules. Then I felt good because I didn't have to follow any damn
rules I didn't want to. Screw the rules.

"Hello?"

"Donna please, please, please, I just need five minutes, five
minutes, that's all and I swear won't say anything...."

"Sam it's me."

"Josh?"

"Yeah."

"What are you doing answering the phone?"

"It's my damn phone!" I shouted irrationally.

There was a pause. "Okay. Where's Donna?"

"Gone."

Another pause. "You guys are fighting?"

"We're not fighting. She needed a break. I needed a break. She left."
Then because I knew he was thinking it, I added. "She'll be back.
It's no big deal. What do you need Sam?"

****

I talked to Sam for over an hour. A friend of his that he'd urged to
run for Congress wasn't doing so well and he'd wanted suggestions,
help. I did what I could but my mind really wasn't into it. Instead
my eyes were pinned to a clock that continued to tick.

Then my mother called and gave me hell for another hour for doing or
saying whatever it was that I did or said to make Donna leave. She
wouldn't get off the phone until I promised her that I would not just
apologize to Donna but grovel at her feet and beg her forgiveness and
thank her for taking care of me.

Yeah right.

I didn't ask her to take care of me. I didn't ask her to stay with me
in the hospital. I didn't. I don't know what would have happened if
she hadn't stayed with me, but the point is I didn't ask. Maybe I
wouldn't get these freaky little panic attacks when she left if she
hadn't stayed with me from the very beginning. Maybe I would be used
to being alone.

I looked at the clock. It was after six. Again I felt my heart start
to pound. I closed my eyes and willed away this ridiculous fear.

Where the hell was this coming from? It's not like I was afraid of
anything specific. Not a ghost or boogey man or snake. I just felt
fear. And there was something, on the periphery of my thoughts, just
out of my reach, but I could sense it. A memory. A vague feeling of
being alone and in trouble.

6:08.

I got up and started to pace. Pacing helped my breathing. I was
hungry. I should just make dinner. But Donna and I made dinner
together. I chopped; she diced. She simmered; I seasoned. We were a
team.

I didn't ask for that either. I didn't ask for her to cook me a damn
thing. She just did it. So now I was hungry. I should just go cook
something.

6:11.

I concentrated on my breathing again. In and out. In and out. Donna
walked me through this every morning when I did my exercises. I took
deep full breaths like some kind of pregnant lady doing a bad
rendition of Lamaze. Donna insisted that it was good for my lungs.

6:14

Just breath I told myself. Just breath.

Then I heard the key in the lock of the door. The knob was turning
and all I could do was watch it. The door opened and Donna walked
inside not seeing me at first. Then she stopped and found me standing
in front of her trying to breath.

She must have seen the panic in my face. I wanted to hide it, but I
knew it was useless. She dropped her purse and circled her arms
around me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I couldn't move. I couldn't hold her back. I couldn't break away. All
I could do was breath. Finally the tightness in my chest began to
lesson and the fear dissipated. She hadn't let go so I circled my
arms around her waist and held her.

"I thought you wanted me to leave. I thought... I'm sorry."

"No," I managed to say past the lump in my throat. "It was my fault.
I was a jerk." I didn't think that sounded too much like groveling.

"Josh I think we should talk..."

"No."

She pulled away from me. "Josh, I saw it."

"Saw what?" Was I politician or what?

"It was there in your face..."

Nope. It wasn't in my face.

"When you looked at me. I just think we should talk about it. It's
totally natural under the circumstances."

"Donna if we talk about it, then it's going to be real. Just like if
I tell you... I know that sometimes you look at me while I'm in the
shower."

She gasped and brought her hand up to her mouth. "You know."

"Yeah."

"And you didn't say anything!"

"No."

No. I liked it. I liked that she wanted to look. Fuck. I didn't want
this to happen. I didn't want to be one of those guys that did their
secretary under their desk at lunch. I didn't want to screw up what I
had with Donna. She was my buddy. My pal. My friend. But now she was
more than that. Apparently, she had become my world. But it wasn't
going to stay this way forever and I just couldn't deal with what was
going to happen after this was all over.

She was looking at me now, but I couldn't tell if she was mad,
embarrassed or what.

"It's just that I don't often get to see a naked man."

"Donna."

"I mean sometimes at an art gallery, and every once in a while in
between the squiggly lines on those porn channels..."

"Donna."

"And maybe I flipped through a copy of Playgirl when I was buying all
those magazines."

"Donna!"

"Just kidding about the Playgirl."

I smiled. She was going to let this pass, I thought. Good. For now I
needed it to pass because I just wasn't ready to face it. What ever
it was.

There was something else coming. I felt it. Something just outside of
my reach. I didn't think it was physical, but at times it made my
head hurt. I needed to be ready for whatever that was.

"I'm hungry." I announced.

"Then we should start dinner."

"Unless you want me to take a shower... you know so you can check me
out again."

She whacked my arm.

"Maybe you would like to take pictures. You could just whip them out
and get a fix anytime you needed of... a little Josh magic."

"I think I've had enough of Josh magic."

"I don't know. Many women have called me addictive."

"Oh God," she muttered. "I created a monster."

I continued to tease her all through dinner and while we played
cards. You would be amazed at how many naked jokes you can put out
there while playing poker. And everything was fine. As long as were
bringing the funny then the serious stuff didn't have any room to
take over. As long as we were laughing than we couldn't be doing
anything else. She mocked my size, that's how I knew she was really
kidding, and I mocked her size. They were small, but they were nice.

But I wasn't going to think about that.

At ten, I went to bed feeling a lot better about things. Donna was on
the couch. We were fine. Sure maybe there was something going on, but
we both agreed to back off for the time being. Maybe it was the
circumstances. Maybe it wasn't. We would deal with it later. Because
there was something else coming. Something I needed to be ready for.
I knew it.

That night I had my first nightmare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 8

I'll never know what made me get up. He didn't scream or shout. I
normally check on him a few times a night, but I had just checked on
him twenty minutes ago. I went to bathroom, got a glass of water, my
normal routine. I was just on the verge of falling asleep again when
something made me get up.

I walked back into his room and found him sitting up gasping for air
while he clutched at his chest. It was the most frightening scene I
had ever witnessed.

"Josh!" I thought he was dying. I thought something was happening
inside of him that was causing him not to breath. I tried to remember
all the things the nurses told me could go wrong and what to do but
my mind was blank.

Then I saw his eyes. They were open and focused but I could tell he
wasn't seeing anything. Then I understood that this wasn't physical.
This was in his head.

"Josh wake up!" I leaped on to the bed and straddled his legs. I
grabbed his shoulders and shook.

He continued to gasp. Then I heard him croak out Toby's name.

"Wake up!" I shouted. "It's just a dream." I grabbed his face in my
hands and forced his eyes to meet mine. "Wake up, Josh."

Then his eyes blinked. Then he was looking at me. "Donna?"

"Breath. In and out. In and out. In and out."

He followed my directions while I breathed with him. After a few
moments he calmed down.

"You're getting really good at this breathing thing, Josh. You're
going to be a natural when you actually give birth." I was trying to
lighten the mood, but he didn't hear me. He was still partially out
of it.

He pushed me slightly and I got off his lap while he got out of bed
and tried to stand. I could see his legs were shaking.

"Josh, sit down."

I got up and stood in front of him and pushed him back on to the bed.
He was still breathing hard.

"You're okay now."

"I was there. I remembered. I never really remembered it before."

I sat next to him on the bed and rubbed his back. "Tell me."

"No."

"Josh I think you should..."

"No. I can't. It was too... intense. I can't talk about it. I just want
to forget it."

"I don't think this is something you're going to be able to forget."

" I have to. I thought I was dying. I was dying."

I bit down on my lip and felt my own body tremble. I remembered what
it was like to watch him being operated on. I remembered thinking he
could die. I remembered trying to imagine a world without Josh Lyman
in it. And I remember not being able to do it.

"But you didn't it. And I knew you wouldn't. You were too pigheaded."

He looked at me then and even in the dark room with just hints of
moonlight illuminating his face I could see that the worst was
over. "You really like to kick a guy when he's down."

"It's a gift. Come on," I said standing. "You need to go back to
sleep."

"That's not going to happen. I don't think I'll ever sleep again."

"Your body needs rest, Josh."

"Give it up, Donna. I couldn't sleep now if I wanted to."

"Then we need to do something to fix that."

"How are you going to do that?"

"Lie down."

"Donna, I'm not going to be able to..."

"Lie down."

"But..."

"The rules, Josh."

"The rules are stupid," he mumbled.

I put my hand over my heart and pouted. "Stupid? Are you calling me
stupid?"

"No, I'm calling the rules... never mind." He did as instructed and
settled himself back on the bed like a good boy.

I crawled in next to him on his left side.

"Donna?"

"Once upon a time," I began.

"Donna what are you doing?"

"I'm doing what my mother used to do when I couldn't sleep. I'm going
to tell you a bedtime story."

I could almost hear his mind digesting this information. Josh in many
ways was a very practical person. He read current events, he read
reports, he read history, he read biographies. He did not read
stories. Escapism for pleasure wasn't his thing. But I thought now
might be a good time to introduce him to it. Josh had something he
needed to escape from.

"What kind of story?"

I snuggled my head on his left shoulder and started a gentle rubbing
motion on his chest to hopefully lull him back to sleep. I tried not
to pay attention to the fact this felt so right.

"A fairytale story."

"A fairytale? I don't want to hear a fairytale."

"Josh, fairytales are good for sleeping. Now shut up and listen, once
upon a time..."

"I'm not ten, Donna. You can't possibly imagine that I'm going to
listen to some story about some princess..."

"Princess Donnatella actually."

"Oh that's original."

"It's the only one I know."

"There's no way this is going to work."

"So fine. You'll hear the end of the story. Now if you don't mind I
prefer to tell my stories uninterrupted. Once upon a time there was a
beautiful princess and her name was Donnatella. She had long blond
hair ...."

****

He was asleep by the time the prince came upon the princess in the
forest. I could hear his even breathing that was more like a gentle
snore. I considered getting up and going back to the couch, but I
didn't want to take the chance of waking him.

At least that was what I told myself.

The truth was I loved falling asleep next to him. I wanted to do this
when he was in the hospital. Just crawl up next to him like a
kitten. It stemmed from an overwhelming need to be close to him. To
hold him. To listen to his heart beat and assure myself that he was
alive.

Bump bump. Bump bump.

It was a good sound. Strong and steady. I listened to it and felt
myself drifting off. Yep, I thought, I did love that sound. I loved
his smell too. It was uniquely, Josh. I loved the feel of his body
under mine. I loved the feel of his leg brushing against me. The hair
was fine and soft against my skin. I loved.... I loved...

******

"Donna. Donna."

"Too early," I mumbled. I wasn't sure why I knew that, but I did.

"My arm's asleep."

"So wake *it* up," I told him very logically.

Then he started to tug and move and everything in me protested the
withdrawal of his body from mine. No longer able to fight off the day
I sat up. My hair was in my face and I pushed it aside while I ran my
tongue around in my mouth.

Yuck. Morning breath. I got out of bed and made my way to the
bathroom. I peed first then brushed my teeth. Josh came in and
wordlessly I handed him his toothbrush already pasted. We stood next
to each other hovering over the same sink brushing our teeth
together. I could see our reflection in the mirror.

I could also see circles under my eyes, but I thought my face had a
little more color than usual after yesterday's sun. Then it occurred
to me that I used to be concerned about Josh seeing me without my
makeup. I remembered thinking that him seeing my bare face was too
intimate. Look at us now.

Our eyes met in the mirror and we both stopped brushing. I knew he
was thinking it too. That this ritual was in many ways more intimate
than us seeing each other naked. And we fell into it so naturally. It
was just like when we started working together.

"Morning," I mumbled around my toothbrush.

"Morning," he said back never once taking his eyes off me. I felt as
if he was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't know what to
say. Words popped into my head. Suddenly. Definitively. And I almost
gasped in shock. I certainly wasn't going to say that!

Instead I said, "I'm gonna shower first. I need to get into the
office this morning."

"Kay."

He rinsed out his mouth, but he didn't leave. He was still looking at
me and I was afraid if he didn't leave soon I might blurt out what I
had previously been thinking.

"Uhhh, Josh. I know this might be a little hypocritical what with me
getting my free peep shows for the last few weeks, but you're going
to have to leave now."

"Oh. Yeah. No. I mean sure. I'm leaving. I was just... Okay. I'm going
to leave."

"Okay."

He left and I shut the door behind him. I found myself leaning
against it wondering what the hell I was going to do.

I was in love with him.

****

"Donna."

"Hi Leo."

"A minute?"

"Sure." I had just put on my ID and was headed toward Josh's office
when Leo spotted me. I knew he wanted an update.

"Well?"

"He's good."

"Yeah?"

I nodded. I considered telling him about the nightmare. Leo was a
Veteran. He understood what it meant to be shot at. In the end I
decided that it was Josh's business, not mine. But maybe I could
convince Josh to speak to Leo about his dreams. If he couldn't or
wouldn't tell me.

"You'll tell me if that changes."

"Yes, but I don't see that happening. We had a doctor's appointment
last week and the doctor said that Josh is recovering wonderfully..."

"I don't mean physically, Donna. That night... we're all feeling the
affects. At some point Josh is going to have to deal with that too."

I nodded. Again, I was tempted to say something but stopped
myself. "I should go. I have a ton of stuff..."

I was headed out of the office when Leo stopped me. "Donna."

"Yeah?"

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

Except for the fact that I had made the incredibly foolish,
incredibly colossal mistake of falling in love with Josh. I figured
it was best not to share that with Leo.

"Okay."

I left and made my way to Josh's office. That first time back, that
first time being in his office without him had been difficult, but
now I was used to it. In fact I never realized how much easier it was
to get things done around here when he wasn't here.

The phone rang and I reached for it. "Josh Lyman."

"Hey."

"Hey. Why are you calling?"

"I wanted to remind you to pick up the polling numbers on the
California races from Toby and the Education report from Sam."

"Okay."

"And I wanted to tell you that we're out of orange juice."

"Okay."

"And I wanted to remind you in case you hadn't realized it that we
slept together last night."

I sat in his chair. "I was really hoping you were going to let that
pass."

He didn't say anything.

"Because you said yesterday that talking about it made it real."

"Yeah. I did. It's just I don't think we can not not talk about it."

"So you decided to wait until I was in the office surrounded by all
the people we work with to have this discussion rather than when we
were at home and alone?"

"This way I don't have to look at you. It's easier."

"That's very flattering."

Ginger poked her head in to the office. "Donna is that Josh?"

"Yeah."

"Tell him he needs to call Sam."

"You need to call Sam."

"Okay. So I should also mention that this morning... you know when I
woke you up?"

"Yeah?"

"My arm wasn't really asleep."

"Oh."

"I was... you know ... like yesterday."

"Okay."

"You know what I mean, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're not being that obtuse Josh. And I had
pretty much already guessed. It's no big deal."

"You know Donna you say that phrase a lot in regards to my manly
parts. I'm going to develop a complex."

"I just mean we will deal with this." I was already dealing with it.
I had recognized the situation this morning, identified the problem,
my being in love with Josh, and had already set upon a strategy to
fix it.

"We will?"

"Yes. I mean Josh, nothing happened. We slept. That's all. You had a
nightmare. I told you a story..."

"Okay that's something you're not to repeat ever ever again."

"Fine. My point is it was no big..."

"Deal. I got your point."

"And we won't do it again. It's just the circumstances. And the
circumstances are temporary, Josh. We need to remember that." Of
course I didn't think it was temporary. I believed I was down for the
count. Four, three, two one, bang. Fated to love Josh forever.

Fate could really be a bitch sometimes.

"Right. Temporary. Okay. So you will remember the juice?"

"Yep, and I'm going to transfer you to Sam."

"Okay. So we're going to be fine."

"Absolutely." I transferred him and hung up the phone.

I was so NOT going to be fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 9

"No way."

"Josh."

"Not going to happen."

"Be a sport."

"Nope."

"You said that about the leg warmers and you eventually caved."

"That was life or death. This is Halloween."

"It's just a mask." One of the plastic ones that covered the eyes and
nose. "I'm wearing a costume."

"You're a geek." Donna was dressed like Jeanie from I Dream of
Jeannie. I could see her belly button and she'd been calling me
Master for the last hour. Like I'm not supposed to be turned on by
that.

Not that tonight was any different from than the last six weeks. I
had been in perpetual heat. Constant, frustrated, heat. But it was
okay. Because we had talked about it and decided that I wasn't really
hot for my assistant.

Noooo, noooo, nooo. What I was feeling was a temporary fixation for
my caregiver. That's what Donna called herself. She'd found the word
in some psychology textbook. We spent an afternoon going over a whole
chapter on what Donna called the Nightingale Syndrome. The book said
that dependency could often be mistaken for attraction. Because she
took care of my basic needs my body translated that into sexual
desire.

It was all very simple.

I thought I wanted to fuck the ever-living hell out of her. But, hey
that was just me.

And Donna had psychology on her side. In a way it made things simple.
We didn't have to stop sleeping together after the nightmares. I
would wake up or sometimes she would wake me up if she heard me. She
would ask me to talk about it and I would refuse. She would tell me a
story, she was actually a really good storyteller, but for the most
part I wouldn't listen. I would just let her voice lull me to sleep.
And she wouldn't get freaked out the next morning when I woke up next
to her with a raging hard on.

Because I didn't really have a hard on for her. I was just
translating my physical dependency or some such nonsense. There were
some mornings I wanted to translate my physical dependency on Donna
so bad I could taste it.

"Josh, it's a party."

"Donna no one is going to be dressed up. You're the only one who is
going to be dressed up. You're going to look ridiculous."

She pouted. The pout used to make me smirk, simply because she did it
so effectively. I thought it was cute. Now the pout made me think
about sinking my teeth into her bottom lip.

But it was just temporary. She assured me of that too. Once she left,
which was tomorrow, and I only saw her at work I would go back to
seeing her as my assistant. I would no longer need her therefore I
would no longer desire her.

Okay. If she said so.

It's not like I had a lot of choice. Donna didn't seem to be affected
by Nightingale Syndrome. She'd stopped checking me out in the shower,
had even stopped waiting in the bathroom with me since I had regained
most of my pre-shooting strength, and she was out of bed like a flash
on the mornings she slept with me oblivious to the fact that not two
seconds before we had been wrapped around each other.

"Give me the mask."

She smiled. That made me think about nibbling on her lips too. Funny
that her pout and her smile had the same effect on me.

Wondered if I could read about that in a psychology textbook?

The doorbell rang and like a good hostess Donna went to answer it. I
tossed the mask away. This had been her idea. She had given me the
green light of health so that I could have multiple visitors and beer
at the same time. She also thought this would serve as a nice
farewell for her. She was making me wait until after the elections to
go back to work simply because she knew how I got on election day,
but after that it was back to work full time.

We had gone back to the office for the first time a couple of weeks
ago. She said I needed to re-acclimate slowly. Going in for a few
hours before starting would give everyone a chance to catch up with
me, ask me how I was, grill me about my health, so that when I
started back full time it wouldn't be such a shock.

I was back to working, even if it was from home, about eight hours a
day. Donna had gone back full time and now just left the office to
bring me my lunch. We still made dinner together every night.

I thought about the night we made fajitas and smiled.

I though about making dinner by myself tomorrow and felt my throat
get tight.

Then I saw Sam walk into the living room wearing a black cape and a
mask. Oh yeah. This was going to be fun.

"Where's your rabbit?"

"I'm not a magician. I'm supposed to be Zorro. And Donna said we had
a to wear a costume."

Toby showed up a second later in jeans and sweater.

Sam asked him, "What are you supposed to be?"

"A grown man."

Sam took off the mask and cape.

CJ came wearing a toga. She said she was an ancient Greek Goddess.
Sam, Toby and I got to mock Donna and CJ periodically through the
night.

"So are you ready to come back?" CJ wanted to know. She'd cornered me
in the kitchen so she could play big sister.

"Yeah, I feel good." It was a lie. Getting out of bed was still a
chore. I wasn't sure if my body was ever going to feel the same. And
there was the whole Donna factor. We had no idea if we were going to
be able to go back to the office and have it be like it was before.
But we were both committed to trying. Her more than me it seemed. And
I was a little edgy. I wasn't the calmest person to begin with, but
now I found myself jumping out of my skin sometimes. I was hoping
that things would get better once I went back to work, that it was
just excess energy that was causing the edginess.

"You ready for Donna to leave?"

"Yeah." No. "Absolutely." Not. "It's worse than living with my
mother." I never had a problem living with my mother.

CJ nodded but I could see her probing me deeply looking for some deep
dark secret. "Because I just though that it might be tough. You two
have been really close."

"We're ready to take a break." If I didn't get down on my knees and
beg her to stay as she was walking out the door. "That's why she's
leaving tomorrow. We both need some down time before I go back to
work next week."

CJ appeared to believe me. Despite everyone's belief to the contrary
I could put on one hell of a poker face when I needed to.

I reached inside the refrigerator for a beer. From a cross the room
came the question.

"Number?"

She had like Bionic Woman hearing. "Three."

"Four," she corrected me.

And she could count. "Four."

"Last one."

I grimaced. Sam and Toby were hearing this. "I can have as many beers
as I want."

"Not according to the Donna rules," Toby chimed in.

"Toby are you mocking the rules again?" Donna asked him.

"If I say yes I'm not going to get anymore food am I?"

"No, you're not."

"Long live the Donna rules!"

And so the party went. We laughed. We stressed about the elections.
We stressed about losing seats, we were thrilled at the prospect that
we might gain a few. Sam felt guilty about pulling the White House
support from his friend, and he felt guilty about not feeling guilty
enough. He thought that made him a politician.

Shortly after twelve Donna cleared everyone out. And nobody
questioned her. She took off her costume and came back out into the
living room in a pair of my boxers and a sweatshirt, her hair all
over the place. If it was possible I think I wanted her more now.

Not that I actually wanted her of course. Just my caregiver.

"You should go to bed."

"I'm going," I said. "So you've got your bag packed."

"Yep. I need to get home early and take care of a few things."

"Sure."

"I'll say good bye before I leave."

"Donna it's not like you have to say good bye. I'll probably see you
sometime next week. Then we'll be back at work."

She smiled. "I know. You're right. If I wake up early, I'll just
leave."

"Okay. Or you could wake me up. Say you're leaving or whatever."

"I can do that."

At this point I thought I should say something. I should let her know
that I couldn't have recovered without her. I should thank her for
putting up with me. I should tell her that for the past few months
she had become the most important person in my life and that I would
never forget what she did for me. And I would always be there for her
in return if she ever needed me.

I said, "Thanks."

She said. "You're welcome."

****

It came again. I didn't think it would. I thought the beer and the
late hour would knock me out so that I could sleep all the way
through the night. No such luck.

I sat up and tried to catch my breath. The nightmare was always the
same. It wasn't the gunshot that freaked me out or the pain or the
chaos of that night that upset me.

I remember sinking to the ground, looking down at myself and
thinking: oh shit, I'm going to die. Then I remember looking for
someone, anyone to come sit with me because if I was going to die I
didn't want to die alone. In the dream, Toby never saw me.

I rubbed my face and waited. Donna usually heard me up at this point.
I turned my head toward the bedroom door, but it remained empty. I
waited a few minutes and still no sign of her. I got up and walked
out to the living room. She was asleep on the couch.

I sat down in the chair across from her and watched her breathing.
She wasn't asleep. I wasn't sure how I knew that but I did. This was
her way of pulling back from me. She was letting me know that I was
going to have to deal with this on my own and that she wasn't going
to be here anymore to tell me stories.

She was right, of course. I did need to start to handle this on my
own. More importantly I needed to go back to living my life without
her.

I just didn't want to.

It was funny, Mandy and I had once talked about living together. Back
then the very idea had given me hives. Probably because it was Mandy
and I knew that it was never going to work. The only reason we dated
as long as we did was because we didn't really see each other that
often.

If I never saw Mandy again, a woman I once thought might possibly be
the one, it wouldn't matter. I was more than likely going to see
Donna in a few days and I was sitting here in the dark looking at her
and I was already missing her.

Wake her up, I told myself. Just wake her up. Tell her you need her.
Tell her you want her. Maybe she thought this attraction was a result
of close proximity, but I didn't think it was. I think it might be
more than that.

But what if I was wrong. What if we did this and went back to work
and it was weird? What if that weirdness affected everything? What if
we couldn't work together anymore or talk with one another any more?
What if she left and a year or two from now I thought that if I never
saw her again it really wouldn't matter?

I couldn't let that happen. There couldn't be any halfway with Donna.
So I would do what she asked. We would go back to work, resume or
normal lives and maybe we would just see how things went. Maybe it
would be like these past few months never happened. Or maybe we would
find out that these past few months had changed us and that the
change wasn't temporary.

I got up and walked over to her. I tucked the blanket around her and
leaned down to kiss her on her forehead.

"You are an amazing woman Donnatella Moss," I whispered to her. "And
I wouldn't have made it this far without you. Thank you."

She didn't stir. I went back to bed and didn't sleep for the rest of
the night. Donna was leaving tomorrow. And nothing would be the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 10

"You look really great in that dress tonight. You should buy it for
yourself."

Bastard. This I suppose was his apology for the no self worth thing
earlier. I shouldn't have let him off so easily, but I knew he was
just being ... him. This was my first date since long before the
shooting. It was a definitive step in the letting go process and
apparently Josh didn't like it. Tough. If we were ever going to get
back to normal I had to do this.

I had to.

I shouldn't have told him that tonight sucked. I should have let him
think I had a great time.

Todd was an okay guy. A little conceited, but I was in love with the
most arrogant man in the world one would think I would be attracted
to that quality. I wasn't. I was still in love with Josh.

I was going to have to work harder to get over it.

*****

"Let's put him on a stamp."

Nope, I thought. Still wanted her. Still couldn't look at her without
remembering what it felt like to wake up with her. I should say
something. I should let her know. We should talk about it. She could
quote passages from textbooks. We could make dinner together. I
haven't made dinner since she left.

"Let's put you on a stamp."

"Okay." I loved that smile.

What the hell was I thinking? We needed to work. I needed to focus.
It had become too easy for me lately not to focus.

*****

This I would see as a definite set back. Josh was sound asleep next
to me, his bandaged hand holding me against him. I promised myself I
wouldn't stay the night but I couldn't make myself leave. I slept on
the couch until he woke up. I told him a brand new story about a
brave warrior named Joshua.

I called my folks to let them know I wouldn't be coming home this
Christmas. Then I promised Josh we could make cookies tomorrow and
get snookered on eggnog.

He smiled for the first time in three weeks.

I think it was the use of the word snookered.

*****

"I'm holding your underwear...," And I'm not getting turned on. I'm
not getting turned on. I'm not.

I'm so turned on right now. Is that sick?

*****

This was perfect. This would do the trick. I was having very little
success finding a man that would help me forget Josh. I never even
considered an ulterior plan. But this would work too. If he were with
someone, I would have no choice but to get over him.

And he liked Joey. I know he did. I just needed to get him to ask her
out.

*****

"Believe me when I tell you that's not true."

Oh yeah. It was so true. Joey saw it. I didn't see it though. Not at
first. I was a little freaked. I really thought she wanted me to ask
Joey out. Matching monograms. I mean what the hell? I probably should
have asked Joey out. That would have gotten her all riled up. She
dated. So I should date. Right?

What was Joey saying? Something about the French Revolution?
Whatever. Donna liked me and other people saw it. I should probably
do something.

*****

Is he brushing his shoulder against me on purpose? No, it's just
because the seats are too close. Maybe I should move.

Oh like that wouldn't be obvious.

I can do this. I can sit here next to him and watch a movie and not
be in love with him.

Too bad he didn't have any popcorn.

*****

"I'll come."

What the hell was she hugging Sam for? Probably just something to do
with Steph and her grandfather. No big deal. Okay so she was coming
for drinks. That was good. Maybe I would say something tonight. Let
her know...

What?

*****

"So where did you learn that stuff? About a senator being able to
yield the floor for a question."

I reached for his beer again and he handed it to me. "You told me.
Remember. Last summer. It was during your lecture on parliamentary
procedure."

Why was he looking at me like that? So I listened to him. So I
remembered. He was a good teacher.

I shouldn't think about last summer. That didn't help. I took a sip
of beer and realized I also should have wiped the bottle off first. I
think I could taste him.

Now he was looking at my mouth.

*****

"Thanks for taking me back. Oh and the flowers are beautiful."

Okay. Now we need to talk, right? Absolutely. That was it. That was
the sign. She was trying to tell me something and ... hell, I had been
trying to tell her something too. It's why I sent the damn flowers in
the first place.

So this was good. We were going to do this. I should wait a few days
though. Not be too pushy. Maybe I would take her to dinner next week.
Something casual. We could eat and then ... talk. We definitely needed
to talk. Because this thing... whatever it was between us... was not
going away.

*****

Something happened. Something bad and he's not telling me.

*****

"You okay?" I should have told her. I was going to tell her. I wanted
to be the one to tell her. Who the fuck...Toby. He's the only one who
would dare.

"There's an empty office next to the conference room downstairs and I
moved two couches in."

"CJ putting the lid on?"

"Right now. And Leo's waiting for you."

*****

"Is this how it works?"

"This is how it works today."

Everything is changing. I can feel it. I'm losing him to this. And
he's pushing me away. Why? What happens next? And why am I so scared?
And what the hell is Answer B?

*****

"Hi."

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

He didn't remember. Of course he didn't. He's been so busy, so
agitated, and so combative lately; I'm surprised he remembered the
other anniversary. Maybe he wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the
footage they aired.

I held up a six-pack of beer in one hand and a bag of groceries in
the other. I decided to drop the whole anniversary of our first
night living together thing. It didn't seem like a good time.

"You've been losing weight. Your mother saw you on TV and called me.
She's worried. I told her I would make you dinner."

"Oh. Okay. But it's after eleven."

"It's never too late for fresh vegetables and good cooking, Josh."

He at least tried to smile. He opened the door and let me in. I tried
not to notice the fact that he checked the hallway to see if there
was anyone lurking in the shadows.

"Okay, I've got chicken. I've got peppers, onions, lots of salsa and
some tortillas. I'm thinking fajitas."

"Yeah okay."

I turned to him. He was standing in the living room, still dressed in
his suit pants and work shirt that were now beyond repair. His hands
were in his pockets and he wasn't looking at me.

"You want to help?"

He shook his head softly. "Donna..."

"Or you can watch. The truth is, and I mean this in the kindest and
gentlest of ways, you really sucked at cooking Josh. Your onion
slices were always way too thick..."

"I like thick onion slices," he mumbled.

"And your pepper slices were too thin. Really, all that time, I was
only humoring you," I chattered on nervously. What was wrong with
him? Why was he acting like this?

"Donna you should go."

The knife in my hand slipped and cut my finger. "Ow," I hissed and
stuck the tip of my finger in my mouth.

Josh was next to me in a second pulling at my hand.

"It's fine."

"Let me see it."

"It's fine."

He tugged harder until I had no choice but to show him. It was just a
little cut. He pulled the finger into his mouth and I felt it
throughout my whole body. Our eyes met and maybe held for a second
too long. Then he let me go and took a few steps back.

"So you're not hungry?"

"No. It's late. We need to be at work early. I have that meeting with
Babbitch."

"Sure. I'm sorry for coming over. It's just that your mother..."

"No. I know. She can be a pest."

"I like your mother," I said numbly.

"She likes you too."

"I should go. I'll leave the food. But I'm taking the beer." I was
going to need it to get drunk and cry myself to sleep tonight. "We're
going to beat this thing Josh. I know we are. Everyone thinks..."

"We're in trouble, Donna. Impeachment like trouble."

"We're going to beat it," I said optimistically. Maybe even a little
naively. But it was the same attitude I had when they told me Josh
might not live. And see how well that all worked out.

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

"Make sure you put the chicken in the freezer. It's still mostly
frozen so you should be fine. If you put in the refrigerator, then
you'll have to cook it tomorrow or the next day at the latest and I
know you won't. Then if you eat it you'll get sick and I'll have to..."

"Donna."

I closed my eyes. I couldn't look at him. It hurt too much. One year.
It had been one year since I fell in love with him and I wasn't any
closer to being over him now than I had been the day I realized that
what I felt for him was love.

"I'm going. I'll see you at work."

"Yeah." Why was he looking at me like that?

It didn't matter. It was time for this to end. I had to end it. And I
would. I would definitely do something to end it.



The End