Title: Old Film
Author: coffeeplease
Rating: TEEN (swear, adult themes)
Category: futurefic, angst
Spoiler Info: The "Gaza" trilogy
Disclaimer: WB, NBC, John Wells, Aaron Sorkin.... owners. I just lease
and try not to stain the carpet. Lawsuits don't look good on me.
E-mail address for feedback: jamhandy1@yahoo.com
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me first
Notes: I'm probably way off on the treatment of rolls of film in this
one. I'm not a photographer. I've addressed this in a fic before: what
did Colin do with those pictures he took of Donna in the SUV? This is
one idea. Feedback makes me giddy.


When Josh saw him in his office, he did a double take. Perhaps a
triple take. The lining of his stomach, already used to great amounts
of abuse, got an extra hit of acid. Then he felt a certain amount of
fury, tempered with the fact that he had no right to feel this fury
and certainly no need to feel this fury. But a spoonful of fury
remained.

Colin Ayres was sitting in the COS office, relaxed and seemingly
without a care in the world.

"He says he knows you," Josh's assistant, Peter, spoke up behind Josh.

"Yeah. Yeah, you know, you shouldn't let people in just based on the
fact that they say they know me." Josh turned and looked at Peter,
speaking his words in a hushed tone.

"You want me to--"

"No. No, I do know him. But don't let Dr. Freeride in here, ever."

Josh slammed the door on Peter asking who Dr. Freeride was.

"Josh." Colin stood politely, extending his hand.

"What... okay, how... shouldn't you be somewhere morbid with your
camera?" Josh didn't take his hand.

Colin chuckled. "Taking a wee break from death and destruction. I
decided to come to your country and see what the fuss was all about.
You know, America, land of the free, home of the brave." Colin
withdrew his hand and sat back down. Josh sat behind his desk.

"You're not trying to visit anyone--"

"She doesn't know I'm here, Josh." Colin interrupted. "And don't you
think she would tell you if she knew?"

"Yeah, she would."

Colin waited a beat. "I got a press pass, that's how I got in the
building. I needed to talk to you about something."

"What do you need to talk to me about?"

Colin reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of undeveloped
film. He set it on Josh's desk. "Old film."

"Old film?" Josh looked at the roll.

"Well, it's not like James Cagney is in it or anything. Those are
pictures I took--"

Josh jumped to a conclusion in that moment. A conclusion that perhaps
he shouldn't have jumped to, but his mind was fixed on the fact that
this was his girlfriend's ex-lover. Not that this was the man who
witnessed his girlfriend blown up in a terrorist explosion. "Pictures
you took of Donna."

"Some, yes."

Josh's face became dark. "What kind of... you think I want to see that?"

"No, I don't think you want to see these. Or should."

Josh bolted out of his seat. "Just get the fuck out of my office. I
can't believe... what human gives a man pictures of his girlfriend
with another man?"

Colin stood, but as soon as the words left Josh's mouth, he looked
surprised. "These aren't sex pictures, Josh."

Rage tapered slightly, Josh put his hands on his hips. "So... these
are just pictures of her in Gaza? Why not give them to her? What's not
to see, why not develop them?"

Colin looked down at the film, sadly. "These are pictures... Josh,
these are pictures of the explosion. Of Donna, in the SUV, after the
explosion."

All color left Josh's face.

"I didn't want to give them to her. Because, although I don't know her
as well as you do, I think Donna would think she could see them. And I
don't want her to see them. At the same time, it isn't right that I
keep them. This roll... is not for me to keep."

"Yeah." Josh said quietly. He sat back down in his chair.

Colin did the same. "I really don't think you should look at them as
well. But it's not my choice to make. Only thing I know is that this
is not my roll of film. It's hers. But since she'd be curious, I
thought I'd just give it to you. Because I don't think in your
lifetime you will ever be tempted to look at it."

"Yeah." Josh said, once again quiet, his voice far away.

"I'm sorry. I'm... I'm trying to do the right thing here."

Josh came back to reality. "Yeah, I get that. I do. I'm sorry I jumped
to conclusions."

"So take the film." He pushed it towards Josh on the desk.

"I kinda don't want to."

"Then burn it the first opportunity you have." Colin looked very seriously.

"Why didn't you?"

"It's not mine to burn."

"And why... why did you take them?"

Colin shook his head. "Instinct, I guess."

"Why didn't you try and help her?" Josh's voice was barely containing
a range of emotions, from fury to pain. "Why did you... stand there
taking pictures--"

Colin interrupted him. "I couldn't, Josh. They wouldn't let me. I
tried, but they--"

Josh closed his eyes. "Right. I guess."

"What, man?" Colin shook his head at Josh again.

Josh opened his eyes. "I don't know if I would have let anyone stop
me. In fact, I think it would have taken an army to stop me."

"You have a different relationship with her than I did."

"Right. She's a roll of old film for you." Josh looked at the roll,
glaring at it.

"No. She's not, Josh. But I was never in love with her. Unlike you."

Josh sighed. "Yeah. I just... I try not to think about it. It's still
difficult for me and now I have a job in which I always have to keep
my cool, especially when it concerns the Middle East. So I can't
really think about it."

"Your job is why you don't want to think about it?"

"Maybe that's an excuse." Josh admitted.

"You think?" Colin grabbed his bag, standing up. "I think you should
burn that roll."

Colin made for the door. Josh watched him go, clearing his throat when
Colin was almost at the door. "I'm sorry I got snippy with you. I do
think you're doing the right thing. I just wish the whole thing had
never happened, obviously."

"The explosion or Donna and I?"

"Well, honestly... both. But obviously the explosion tops the list."

Colin shook his head, hiding a small grin. "Burn the film, Josh."

"Should I tell Donna you say hello?" Josh was trying to make amends.

"No. Because then you'd have to tell her why I was here." Colin gave a
slight wave and then left the office.

Josh stared at the roll for ten minutes, at least, reliving his own
old film roll. Finally, he stuck the roll in the bottom drawer of his
desk.

**********************************************

He pulled it out a few weeks later, staring at it, contemplating his
life, her life, their mutual lives and the past. He set it down, next
to the engagement ring he had recently bought.

"You shouldn't keep secrets from your spouse." He whispered to
himself, looking back and forth from the ring to the roll. "But I
also... you also should protect your spouse from pain."

"Peter!" He shouted.

The young man stuck his head around the door. Josh pocketed the ring
before her could see it. "Yes?"

"Get Donna down here."

Josh would never look at it. He couldn't. But he also couldn't keep it
from Donna. Maybe Colin was right: Donna would want to look at it and
it wouldn't be good for Donna to see. But Colin was also right when he
said that it was Donna's roll of pictures. Donna's. Not his. It wasn't
his call to make.

He couldn't protect her from the actual explosion. Couldn't protect
from the photographic evidence, from the film of her dying in an SUV.
But he also couldn't lie to her. She was a grown woman. And if she
wanted to burn it, maybe they could burn it together.

But if she wanted to look, she was on her own. He could never look.

"Hey," Donna came in, breezy and without a care. "What's with the film?"

Josh opened his mouth, but nothing came out for a few moments.
Finally, he told her the truth. "A few weeks ago, Colin came to see
me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you; I know I should have. He left me this
film. These are the pictures he took of the SUV after the explosion."

Her face didn't even change. Not a muscle moved. She just sat
carefully in the visitor's chair. "Am I in those pictures?"

"Yes."

"Is it bad?"

"I don't know. I haven't looked."

"You didn't look at the film?"

"No. I can't, Donna."

Donna let out a slightly nervous giggle. "Well, I know you don't have
a darkroom or anything, but you can make out shapes from the nega--"

Josh cut her off. "I can't because... you know. You know, Donna. Could
you look at pictures of Rosslyn?"

All humor left Donna. "No. I know, Josh."

"Colin didn't think you should know about the pictures, but I don't
think that's right. I mean, he was trying not to hurt you and he knew
I would never look at them, so he gave them to me. But here..." He
held out the roll of film to her. "It's not mine. It's yours."

Donna swallowed and took the film, closing her hand around it. "Josh?"

"Yeah?" He said softly, looking at her with a great deal of love in
his eyes. Trying to soothe her as much as he could.

"If it were Rosslyn... would you look?"

Josh thought for a moment. "I don't know. I know I'd be curious. But I
also know that I don't want to ever go back there."

Donna scratched her nails on outside of the roll. "Yeah."

Josh continued looking at her. "Colin thought I should burn it. I
think you should destroy it. But it's yours so... if you look at them,
and it's hard, I'm here."

She nodded slowly. "I know. Thank you."

"And if you want matches or lighter fluid, I'm here too."

She smiled tightly. "That's good to know."

"And, you know, sex. I'm always here for that."

Then she gave him a big smile and he felt better than he had in two
weeks. "That I know already."

She left then, left him with a ring in his pocket and his thoughts. He
knew he had done the right thing and that now was not the time to
propose, of course. He would soon, but not now. They had to deal with
this piece of the past first.

He wished again that the explosion had never happened, but that never
really worked. He couldn't wish it away. Maybe this would close the
chapter completely. Burn the film, turn the page.

But it was her choice to make.